What the heck?

I live in the tension of coexistence. I am sad and happy over the same thing. I am excited and disappointed over the same event. I feel full of life and desperate for direction in the same season in life. At the end of the day I take a situation or emotion and make it positive. Lest you think I am perfect this is a LONG and PAINFUL process most of the time for me and my family. I cry, I whine, I am sad, I complain, I am discouraged and I am beyond frustrated. Then like a rainbow after a horrific storm there is a deep breath and a new outlook. It's messy, it's excruciating and it's at times unfair for my poor husband. But it's me. I am working on using this distinct part of me and not dragging my family through it with me every time. Crazy. Passion. I choose passion. Right now passion is figuring out the fear that seems MASSIVE in me these days and becoming comfortable in my own skin. Until then I will continue to document things I am thankful for even if for the mere fact that while my day is happening I stop and wonder if I will blog about this moment in time.

Topping the list today would have to be Soy Chai Frappuccinos. It's simple, pure unadulterated joy for me to walk into Starbucks feel known and leave with a yummy drink that shouts "AHHHH...it's all going to be okay."



A crying boy at 4 AM that led to snuggly sleep on momma at 5:30. Walks with new mom friends around the newly opened Mount after two weeks of an unopened Mount due to mudslides. Plans to make Valentine Day cupcakes with a mom friend tomorrow. Email from Holly that made my weekend. A phone call that reminded me that I am not alone. Podcasts from Bethel. Sunshine on my shoulders. A phone that makes it possible for me to check Facebook and email while waiting in line at the grocery store. Sunflower seeds from America. Time on the computer because Sam was watching Top Gear.

Tomorrow is a new day, filled with wonder, emotion, unknown and many plans that in the end won't happen giving me yet one more chance to be fluid and flexible and really enjoy being fluid and flexible. I will find a new piece of myself and settle into my identity and I will choose to be excited about the day because to look forward to something is just as, or maybe more important than the thing I am actually looking forward to in my life.