God is "gooder" Than You Think..Change The Way You Think

I started running again last week. I think my legs were a bit mad at me, but I persevered. For me running is a way to combat emotion. I know this to be true of myself, yet I just started running again. I have been listening to a podcast in Redding most mornings from Bethel. There is something I have heard the pastor and others say for a few years now, but in these life moments it is truth that I need: God is gooder than you think so change the way you think.

Life has moments and cycles and it sometimes moves from struggle to struggle then to success. I have allowed my mind to go places that my body just could no longer afford it going. The stress I felt internally was mounting no matter what I seemed to pray...maybe because I was begging to get the things I so desperately thought I needed instead of listening to God through scripture and quiet moments. Maybe because life is just stressful right now. Maybe because God is healing parts of me that need it. Who knows, but I allowed it to spin far too out of control.

Two weeks ago I said good bye to Sam and after he left tears just streamed down my face. What would I do today? When will it feel easier to breathe and wake up? When will life not seem so hard? I knew they were tears and life goes on in tears, so I laced up my shoes grabbed my ipod and just ran. The tears only lasted about a minute and I began to feel it--HOPE. For some reason between the endorphins coursing through my body, the words of truth being spoken to in my ears and the Holy Spirit comfort I began to see beyond my circumstances.

HOPE.

I need it and more than that I want to be someone that radiates it and lives it and passes it on. Funnily enough, I need to be connected to the Hope Giver...Jesus. This has been a week or two of allowing God and Jesus to speak to me, to show me things, to embrace me and to not run from the pain of loneliness and unknown and to remember it's just life, full of ups and downs.

I learned some important lessons in these last few months I thought I would share. For me sharing in the blog has been part of my healing and part of my process to feel expressive in this time. May God use these broken moments and life lessons to touch the part in you that needs God's touch. My mom sent me O magazine this month (WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY!!! THANKS MOM!!!) and one page I love in that magazine is "Things I Know For Sure."

Here are my "Things I Know For Sure" today:

God is good.
God loves each person with a fierce love.
God is active in my life.
I am God's child.
I am staring at another one of God's children each time I look in the face of another...even those that I have been hurt by.
Whether I live it or not He has gifted me and longs for me to live out who He created me to be.
God wants to bring healing in our lives.
God is bringing healing in my life.
God is good.
I need to change the way I think.
I have a hope.
God heals people.
God is not angry.
God is loving.
I am where I am and that is good enough for God.
I struggle.
I am loved.
I am accepted.
I am being changed because God is good.

There have been moments in the last few weeks that have terrified me. I am changing in this experience. I am discovering how I have lived my life for years. I have lived people pleasing and constantly plagued in my mind with "shoulds." What should I do? What do they think I should do? The guilt became massive and the pleasing became impossible this last year. The more I tried to please the more things seemed to unravel. Somethings are meant to unravel. This evidently was one that I liked keeping nice and tidy, but God loved me more than that and began to pull at the thread. As it unraveled I tried everything in my power to sew it back up...only to arrive in NZ and see what seemed like the last piece unravel.

Four months into this experience I am starting to embrace the moment. And you know what? It's good. Is it painful? At times still yes. But heck it was painful before and now at least the pain is part of healing instead of just sitting in me. I am becoming a Dana I have never seen before and some days, like I said earlier, that is scary. I have tasted God's goodness and God's freedom and I want it. 3 steps forward 2 back some days, but that means each day I am still taking ONE STEP towards growth and God and who He created me to be. That is HUGE! It's rocky at times, and at times trying out these new feet of mine I still hurt people, but I am growing and I am genuine....not sorry to get them to stop being upset with me, genuinely sorry I hurt them. But that's the end...no more beating myself up and living upset and taking on other people's responsibility. I am going to make mistakes. I have made mistakes. Truth. No way around it. I am learning to be me. I think I just might like me. I have never allowed myself to really like her before. I masked it well, even to myself at times, but now I want to just be me.

I am grieving and healing and resting. I am taking time to do these things and believing God to show up each day....I just need to look beyond my circumstance. It happens in emails (thanks Annette!), in butterflies, in runs, in pod casts, in sweet moments that others don't even see, but He does show up. God is good.

Thanks for praying with us. Thanks for listening to my process. I am still searching for a job and not sure what's next. Thanks for praying about that with us, too! God is still good even when circumstances aren't....and perspective is in the eye of the beholder I am realizing. God's provision has been real and consistent in my life, this season is no different. He provides and He loves and for that I am thankful. Simply thankful. God is gooder than I think, I changed the way I thought.

Bug Growth

So up until last night each time that I saw a bug....which is quite often! I scream and ask Sam to kill it or get it out of my house. I am not sure what happened to me because before I was married I killed bugs all the time. I am not sure if it is the size of bugs here, the amount that are in my house or the new ones that I am not used to or maybe the reality of how wimpy I really am!

Last night though I think I saw the beginning signs of growth....this was in my house as I walked in...where I keep our dishes!!!



Sam was gone and I decided that I was going to be brave and stop being wimpy. I killed it by myself! Not without a few "eeewww's" along the way.

So gross. But growth nonetheless....

My Sweet Mother in Law

I hope your Valentine's Day was full of love and hope!

I just had to show you what my sweet and thoughtful Mother in Law had left for me when I came home last night...

A yummy chocolate rose....and she had washed our comforter and had it all ready for us when we returned home :)

I was pretty surprised and was reminded how blessed we are to live here. There are times I am dying to be in our own place, but the moments and times we have shared here have been priceless and I am so thankful for marrying into a loving family.

I haven't heard any more on any jobs, but am applying at an electronic store where a friend works tomorrow. It will be quite funny if I work there....I don't know how much I know about electronics but I am sure they do training....right? In the next day or two the managers at the Department of Health Board will be narrowing their search down and making a short list. I talked with the HR lady today and she said I would know this week.

Thanks for praying with us!!

Valentine's Day Surpises

Firs of all here is the job update: I didn't get the job with the FOREVER long interview. I was actually in some ways relieved and had decided after a very stressful week of weird turmoil over the job, interview and decision that was very unexpected that I wasn't going to take the job. I went back and forth because it was a job. A job with money. Money that would help us. But in the end that was the only reason I would be taking it. I listened to my gutt and shared with Sam Friday morning that I just couldn't take it in this time of my life and he was SO supportive. I later asked him if he thought I made a wise decision. He said he was going to be supportive with whatever I said or chose but that he had a bad feeling about it, didn't think it was a good spot for me and didn't like the man I would be working for. I was so thankful that I have a husband that is supportive and gives me room to make my own decisions.

Friday late afternoon I got the call from the organization and they had decided not to hire me. It's funny because I left the interview less confident than I walked in and was left sorting through so much inner insecurities, yet after the week I can truly say that I am more confident than I have been in a long time. The process was well worth it and while the interview was excruciating at some moments because of what the boss was saying, it left me seeing more of myself and growing. I was glad I had decided that morning and took the scary leap of faith to say no to what might have been a paying job.

Then....a friend of mine sent me a text saying her BEAUTIFUL home was free all weekend and asked us if we wanted to stay there. It was perfect because I really needed a weekend away but we both knew that right now we didn't want to spend our money on that. While I was bummed I knew it was a good choice. SURPRISE!! A beautiful house on the water opened up for us!! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to us!

It's kind of dark but here is a view of the ocean at VERY low tide. So pretty! The picture doesn't do it justice!





Suprise number 2??? My cute husband just got a new kind of cute!! He was so ready for a change evidently. I was pretty impressed with how amazing my new husband looked!! Yay for me!

I always have to be a little silly....





Surprise number 3??? The house has MY SKY!! Which is their version of Tivo or DVR!! Man have we missed being able to pause a program and record shows that we want to watch instead of being locked into being home at a certain time. Some nights I feel like I have time warped back 5 years. :)

Surprise number 4??? The house has a SPA!!! WOO HOO!!

Thanks for praying with and for us in this season of our life. Sam is still pursing the stock photo company in NZ that Mike (his photographer mentor) recommended and will do some work with Mike as well soon. The Dept of Health Board job closed applicatoin on Friday, so I am still praying I at least get an interview. Being an American does not help my chances AT ALL!! But that doesn't always matter if the job was meant to be. :)

Happy Valentine's Day to you all!!!

2 & 1/2 HOURS.

I interviewed.
2 & 1/2 Hours.
It was the most intense interview I ever had.
I wasn't nervous at first.
I got hot from nerves later.
My hair went from straight to curly from sweat. Nice.
I had tons of past fear to fight through during it.
The owner seemed to see the past fear.
I cried at one point.
I made it to the short list.
I don't know how I feel.
Don't know how to process it.
I'll hear something by Friday.
Need wisdom either way.
Glad I interviewed.


Thanks for praying.

SUPER DAY....

So I watched the Super Bowl today with some American friends...that happened to be late to the bar/cafe that was showing the Super Bowl. So I sat by myself listening to the National Anthem. I was by far not only the only one that cared but that was excited to hear it! And get this?!?!?!?! NO COMMERCIALS!!!!!!! I was so bummed because I had LA friends that had made the "Casket" TV commercial for Doritos and I was SOOO excited to see it. Evidently I was watching Australian ESPN and only saw ESPN and Soccer World Cup ads. BOOO :( Nonetheless, I had my American fix and felt normal in the American bubble we created. It was quite funny to see their version of Chili Cheese Nachos. Cheese sauce with Sweet Chili Sauce on top. WHAT?!?!?! But in the end it was okay.

Also....we had EXCITING news on the job front!

The owner of the company called and he must have liked what I wrote because he wants to see me in person!

The interview is at 2pm my time so at 5pm your time tomorrow. I am meeting with the owner about being his personal assistant and he is seeing if I have what he wants/needs and I am seeing if I want this position.

ALSO.....COOL Sam's stuff!!!

The major NZ photographer we met with a few weeks ago that LOVED his stuff and said it was better than what was out there called him today. He wants to hire Sam for his Stock Photo business (which is a super hard industry to break into) and told him to call a Stock Photo agency as well because he has been talking to them about Sam! And he wants him to assist him in March!!! It is so encouraging and exciting!!! And what we were hoping for! I think that it might be quicker than we think for him to break into this industry and do it in the area he wants not just doing weddings/portraits. Plus he got a phot shoot with a model today and another one with his sister (she wants to submit a portfolio to a model agency) Such an exciting day!!!

Thanks for being a part of the process with us. It has been such a step of vulnerable faith to share all of this but so worth it and I am so thankful I did!

Check out Sam's new photos he just put up. ("Waitangi Day") We are also sending them off to 2 major magazines this week in hopes that they will see the quality of Sam's photos even though they aren't taking freelance photographers at the moment.

Thanks again guys!!

Unexpected Job Opportunity

"Out of no where" is what it seems like, but maybe it's more. Pray with me about another job opportunity that landed on my door step tonight.

After saying to God early this morning, "I've done all I know to do with this job search. If you have a different way please show me.". Though it might sound a bit spiritual, it was more a frustrated whine to God & a memory of how most often this last 2 years this is where I ended up. I found myself exhausted, discouraged, & drained with job searching, then all of a sudden a job opens up that there was no possible way I could have found it. Sometimes the job wasn't a job at all, or one not posted or one that was created for me, but whatever the case it seems to come when I hit the proverbial wall.

So, with that in mind I will share my story. I was telling my mother in law about my job search & frustration today while trying to sound & stay positive & hopeful. A little while later with a good friend of my in law's was over & she was telling him I was looking for a job. He asked what kind & proceeded to tell her the company he works for that helps under privilege kids that is growing too fast needs exactly what I've done. Exec assistant/personal assistant with little admin. (yay that is the part that's the hardest) the owner needs an assistant to keep his schedule, help him specifically & teach the business so he can develop them into his right hand man. And their next big mission is in south Auckland working with kids there.

He called the guy tonight & told me to call him tomorrow. He pretty much needed someone yesterday, so...

I feel good & confident that this again is in line with the stirrings in me (& in Sam) and may lead to other open doors. If nothing else it continues to focus me & help me dream again.

Pray the owner/boss will be interested in meeting me. And pray that I would know if it's a good fit & an opportunity, as well as that the boss would know & be drawn to me.

Thanks for being a part of our process as we continue to have faith & hope.



I'll keep you posted. Thanks for praying!!

Interview Please???

Well after hearing about a job that I actually liked and hoped that I got, printing out the application, resume, and cover letter, only to find that there was a mistake but had no time to fix it (I eventually did :) then trying to find an office after walking all over this hospital I found the office and dropped off my packet to apply.  I really wanted to take it in person, thinking that might help, funnily enough there was no one in the office due to a meeting, so I just had to leave it there in an envelope.  All I could do was laugh.

I would love for you to pray with us that I at least get an interview for this position.  I have applied for tons of positions and all of them are okay and a job, but for some reason this one I really want.  Now, I don't know much about the place other than what is written, but I am just drawn to it.  It is with the Department of Health Board that works with community and will get me seeing the community and helping people in areas that I haven't known exactly how to break into.   For quite awhile now I feel like there has been stirrings in my heart to be helping those that need help and empowering in the community that have lower incomes.  Ironically, Sam and I are going to some of those places currently  :)  Maybe that is all apart of God's plan to give us insight in areas that we have never seen or experienced.  It is very eye opening and even humbling, but the compassion that is being birthed in us is beyond what we could conjure up ourselves.  

I haven't known how to get in some of these streams to began to start helping or volunteering or even working, but it's been in my heart.  I have always just loved being a part of helping people in hard situations.  The majority of my favorite moments have seem to be in poor places in developing countries, but I have always longed to do it in the place I was living and while I know there are ways to get involved I just haven't done it or figured it out.  At the end of the day Sam and I want to bring hope to people, hear stories, tell stories and use what we were created to do in order to serve people.  

All that said, if nothing else the process of this application helped even focus me that much more.  At the same time, it also showed me how much fear is in me concerning jobs, getting fired, and/or hearing hard things about myself.  I can't walk in fear and I won't.  It has been a bit scary but each time I take another little step I feel more and more strength in God.  To live out my talents and giftings is God's desire for me, and I want what He has for me.  

With that said, will you pray specifically with me that I get an interview for the executive/personal assistant at Department of Health Board in the Bay of Plenty?  The position closes next Friday.  Thanks for praying for us and helping hold faith when we are barely holding on.  

That Girl

Sometimes I just want to be "that girl." Or often I just don't want to be "that girl." You know that girl (person) that has what you don't, whether it be money, jobs, attitudes, lifestyle or whatever you have your sights set on. And at the same time I often find myself not wanting to say or do something so I won't appear as "that girl." The girl or person that is annoying or a complainer or mean or whatever else grates you the wrong way. Irony is that often times I am "that girl" in those situations. I don't want to "appear" like her, but deep down I am her. Now to be fair, I think there might be a health and maturity to choosing out of a bad attitude or holding your tongue in situations to not seem like "that girl." For me, though, it's not usually that noble. I am more afraid of what I will look like which will then lead to the inevitable, someone will say something about me or to me and in either case I would hate that!  

I used to feel so strong and so put together, I used to think that I had worked through so many issues and was through some self esteem battles...."leaving those in my 20's" is how I think I put it when I hit my 30's. I think they found me again.  

This year has been the craziest of years and some days I am still not doing okay. While waiting to get my hair colored (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!!!! My gray hairs are very happy to be back to their "natural" color) I read this little obscure article on grieving. As I read the stages of grief again I saw how I was smack dab in the middle of it, in not one, but a few areas of my life. No wonder I feel so tired and drained all the time. It isn't bad all the time, by any means. In fact, today after I got through the hard emotion of culture shock (honestly if I have to hang out one more piece of clothing I might KILL SOMEONE!!) that I know is normal, plus deal with tears that came with the stress of trying to figure out what "getting on our feet" looks like in this new country, and feeling so alone with STUPID cell phones plans!!!!! Okay, so there might be a lot of culture shock :) I listened to a podcast and found some much needed peace, that just might have been present the whole time.

I know the "right answers." For heaven's sake I think I taught on some of the "right answers." So why in the world am I having a hard time?!?! I so want to choose a good attitude and thankful heart and some days I do even through tears, and other days...well it takes a lot to get there. 

Today while listening to that podcast from Redding (Bethel) where I lived, the pastor I respect a lot, said this, "If you can learn how to handle being wrong when your not you won't have to learn how when you are." So silly and a little simple but what I needed today, you know. I have struggled so much with the view that is held of me by some and the silence of others that don't hold that view but said nothing. I sometimes just wish I could hold onto the faith and joy without wavering. I am just not that girl. I don't know how to become that girl, but I so desperately want to be her. It isn't that I don't see growth or the good things. Today I was driving around in the car that belongs to the lady I nanny for (just because she let us use it even though I wasn't nannying) and wearing a new pair of cutie shorts that the same lady had given me in a HUGE wardrobe clean out. And let me tell you her wardrobe clean out was like going to a designer boutique sale!! And just when I needed some words Pastor Bill seemed to share what I wonder if God was specifically saying to me, plus I had phone calls and emails from my parents that gave me and Sam hope when we had none on our own. See there was so much to be grateful for.

Tears come and my mind wanders and struggles to stay connected and in a good place some days, but the day goes on and the blessings are everywhere. One last thing pastor Bill said in his message was "if you are not in the scriptures and confident in what God has made you to do, then when intimidation comes it will look like warnings from God." I think that in all the worry about what was said, no words (BUT thank you to all of you for the encouraging emails you sent I still needed them) seem to put my heart at ease because I often wondered if what was said was words from God. I know that some of you have strongly told me they weren't, but somewhere in my head I wondered. Hearing those words today actually sent me straight to God and you know what happened? ....I sensed this peace and this smiling face. There was this calm and this moment where I felt in my heart and mind a solid phrase: "What I say matters." Simple and to the point and I have to believe that was God speaking to me. I won't EVER pretend to hear God all the time or hear Him perfectly. It just seemed to be different today, yet what many people who love God and love me have been saying....yet it came through the technology of a podcast today.

You know, I do wish I was "that girl" some days and not "that girl" others days, but in reality I think God might be trying to teach me and love me to a place where I am okay just being whoever I am on that day, trusting that He will love me enough to grow my heart, character and mind. So simple. Trust. So hard. Yet God's loves is gracious, patient and unconditional. For that I am forever grateful.