That Girl

Sometimes I just want to be "that girl." Or often I just don't want to be "that girl." You know that girl (person) that has what you don't, whether it be money, jobs, attitudes, lifestyle or whatever you have your sights set on. And at the same time I often find myself not wanting to say or do something so I won't appear as "that girl." The girl or person that is annoying or a complainer or mean or whatever else grates you the wrong way. Irony is that often times I am "that girl" in those situations. I don't want to "appear" like her, but deep down I am her. Now to be fair, I think there might be a health and maturity to choosing out of a bad attitude or holding your tongue in situations to not seem like "that girl." For me, though, it's not usually that noble. I am more afraid of what I will look like which will then lead to the inevitable, someone will say something about me or to me and in either case I would hate that!  

I used to feel so strong and so put together, I used to think that I had worked through so many issues and was through some self esteem battles...."leaving those in my 20's" is how I think I put it when I hit my 30's. I think they found me again.  

This year has been the craziest of years and some days I am still not doing okay. While waiting to get my hair colored (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!!!! My gray hairs are very happy to be back to their "natural" color) I read this little obscure article on grieving. As I read the stages of grief again I saw how I was smack dab in the middle of it, in not one, but a few areas of my life. No wonder I feel so tired and drained all the time. It isn't bad all the time, by any means. In fact, today after I got through the hard emotion of culture shock (honestly if I have to hang out one more piece of clothing I might KILL SOMEONE!!) that I know is normal, plus deal with tears that came with the stress of trying to figure out what "getting on our feet" looks like in this new country, and feeling so alone with STUPID cell phones plans!!!!! Okay, so there might be a lot of culture shock :) I listened to a podcast and found some much needed peace, that just might have been present the whole time.

I know the "right answers." For heaven's sake I think I taught on some of the "right answers." So why in the world am I having a hard time?!?! I so want to choose a good attitude and thankful heart and some days I do even through tears, and other days...well it takes a lot to get there. 

Today while listening to that podcast from Redding (Bethel) where I lived, the pastor I respect a lot, said this, "If you can learn how to handle being wrong when your not you won't have to learn how when you are." So silly and a little simple but what I needed today, you know. I have struggled so much with the view that is held of me by some and the silence of others that don't hold that view but said nothing. I sometimes just wish I could hold onto the faith and joy without wavering. I am just not that girl. I don't know how to become that girl, but I so desperately want to be her. It isn't that I don't see growth or the good things. Today I was driving around in the car that belongs to the lady I nanny for (just because she let us use it even though I wasn't nannying) and wearing a new pair of cutie shorts that the same lady had given me in a HUGE wardrobe clean out. And let me tell you her wardrobe clean out was like going to a designer boutique sale!! And just when I needed some words Pastor Bill seemed to share what I wonder if God was specifically saying to me, plus I had phone calls and emails from my parents that gave me and Sam hope when we had none on our own. See there was so much to be grateful for.

Tears come and my mind wanders and struggles to stay connected and in a good place some days, but the day goes on and the blessings are everywhere. One last thing pastor Bill said in his message was "if you are not in the scriptures and confident in what God has made you to do, then when intimidation comes it will look like warnings from God." I think that in all the worry about what was said, no words (BUT thank you to all of you for the encouraging emails you sent I still needed them) seem to put my heart at ease because I often wondered if what was said was words from God. I know that some of you have strongly told me they weren't, but somewhere in my head I wondered. Hearing those words today actually sent me straight to God and you know what happened? ....I sensed this peace and this smiling face. There was this calm and this moment where I felt in my heart and mind a solid phrase: "What I say matters." Simple and to the point and I have to believe that was God speaking to me. I won't EVER pretend to hear God all the time or hear Him perfectly. It just seemed to be different today, yet what many people who love God and love me have been saying....yet it came through the technology of a podcast today.

You know, I do wish I was "that girl" some days and not "that girl" others days, but in reality I think God might be trying to teach me and love me to a place where I am okay just being whoever I am on that day, trusting that He will love me enough to grow my heart, character and mind. So simple. Trust. So hard. Yet God's loves is gracious, patient and unconditional. For that I am forever grateful.