MOLD.

UGH! Maximilian. Still having a rough time. I feel like I have tried everything. He has two days of great naps and sleeps then back to not sleeping. Just when I feel like I have it all figured out another no sleep day. Control? None of that left in this house :) Well, I do have control. I can control my attitude, which I haven't lately. I can control my emotions, which sadly enough I haven't done that either lately. And I can control my reactions to the stress, which unfortunately I can't say I have done that either. But admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

All I can do is laugh and try and figure out what is the current problem. Last night at 3 in the morning as I was feeding Max....oh what happened to those blissful 10 hour nights I had since 8 weeks?!?!?! GONE. Back to last night: so last night as Max was eating I began to pray for wisdom. I just knew something wasn't right with Max. I thought maybe there is mold in his room. He seemed to have yet another cold! And it was always worse at night. Just then Sam came in Max's room--at 3 AM mind you--and says, "We have to get Max out of his bassinet. There is mold in there." WHAT?! As I was thinking that and asking God for wisdom Sam and I both get the exact same thought. Max's bassinet had got some mold in it in Australia and both of us had forgot. We took Max out of that right away and this morning I looked in Max's room and it was FULL OF MOLD around the windows.

UGH!!

Made me feel like the best house keeper in the world?!!? I had a choice at this point: feel sorry for myself and wallow in the fact that I feel like the worst mom (and house keeper) ever. OR Be excited that God spoke to us. Confession. I choose to wallow for a few moments and feel bad. Then I called my mother in law and she came right over and helped me clean the house. I had got most of the mold out of Max's room by the time she got there, but she then helped me rearrange the living room and clean other parts of the house to get rid of all the mold and dust in the house.

Sometimes a little wallowing is good for the soul. When the wallowing was over I got into it and came out with a cleaner house, a happy mother in law that LOVED getting to come and help me and a cute new living room. Poor little bubs is still struggling a bit, but hopefully this kills it!

Mold. No Fun. Yet makes for a great story!

Life As We Know It

Thank you to all of you that emailed and sent Facebook Messages to encourage me. I love being able to have a place to document our life...my version of our memoirs I think. I am learning so much about life and myself in this season and have always shared what I am learning about myself. It isn't always pretty, but I so strongly believe that if you see the ugly and bad you will also eventually see the good. The process with me is raw and vulnerable, but it somehow is doable with people. I guess it is my belief and deep need to not do life alone. I LOVE community and simultaneously HATE community. It is hard and taxing and hurtful, but it is also refreshing and rewarding and safe. Community has looked so different for me in the past 2 or 3 years. It no longer just the people in my immediate circle of life, but has broadened to those that choose to be in my life via the internet and text messages and phone calls to far away places. I have loved this year and have loved becoming a wife and a momma. It has been challenging, hard, confusing and frustrating, but I love that I get to experience another part of life and see more of who God created me to be. I also love sharing life with those around me via the blog. Thanks for hanging out with me in all the ups and downs! It really is fun to picture people reading these posts and to even hope that God is using them to make people laugh, reflect on their own life and be ministered to in deep secret places by my words.

Who knows what this year holds for us. As I write this Sam is at work, but at the same time chomping at the bit to get to Christchurch where the massive Earthquake just took place. I, too, am doing some chomping of my own. I have watched people taking blankets, baking and hope into the welfare centers (shelters where people are staying that have no homes/power/water) and I have desperately wanted to be the one down there delivering those things. Sam is working on getting down there next week to document this national/international event. I hope that he will be able to go and use his talents to tell the story that is unfolding and even do what he does best: tell the untold stories that are hidden within the tragedy. I will not be able to go. The irony of that is unbelievable. I longed for years to be a wife and a momma. Now being a momma means I miss the "action." Don't get me wrong I LOVE being a momma and am SO thankful for Maximillian, but life is different now. Adjustment. Not bad, not horrible, just adjustment. One day we want to take Max with us into situations like this to allow him to discover his gifts and grow in his compassion, but right now his little body is a bit to small to go.

There will be more disasters in our world unfortunately and more chances to bring hope. Today I bring Max hope. Creating safety and consistency in our home. My prayer since the day we brought him home has been, "Lord helps us to live in a place where who Max is created to be can fully thrive. Help us to parent his strength and develop who you have created him to be." Funny how my prayers so instantly changed. They no longer were for jobs and money and things for us, but for Max to live in a family and place where his gifts can thrive no matter where that moved us or didn't move us. My little tribe is growing and changing and I am thankful that I have a husband desperate to tell the world's stories and that I have a little boy's story I am watching unfold albeit in the form of not napping consistently and being so strong willed at 3 months, it is his story nonetheless.

Max and I taking a little break at the beach. We both love and are at peace there.

Sound asleep next to the waves

A OK

"Trust your gut"

How many times have I heard that in my life and not done it?!? Countless. Yesterday a friend said it once again to me. It clicked. I knew my little man was hungry and it wasn't just a change in schedule. I headed back to my health food store and asked for yet one more product to help my milk. I knew the two I got last week weren't working because Max was still hungry. The rice cereal worked for a nap to two but he needed more.

Crazy how the downward spiral of stress that wasn't about Max led Max being hungry, Max not sleeping, me not sleeping which all affected my milk more which then led to more stress. YIKES! I tried something called Lactation AOK, the name alone made Sam crack up! I took the full dosage yesterday three times and last night VIOLA! Max slept until after 7 AM today. WHEW! Then he slept through his naps and was happy and back to himself.

I have to say that I felt quite claustrophobic thinking my life isn't my own! I can't even be stressed any more. Seriously Dana?!?! Why do you want to be stressed anyway. Well quite frankly because it was mine and I controlled being stressed. Yes yes yes still working on control issues. I committed to work hard on not allowing myself to get stressed by circumstances but to just accept them and do what I could to fix them. AND I went and got a little help from Lactation AOK. And all was AOK. Schedule changes I can handle, Max not sleeping or changing himself I can handle. Knowing Max was hungry and feeling helpless at how to fix that was not acceptable.

Funny how a day can change a lot. I enjoyed Max so much more today and loved playing with him and just being together with Sam (Sam had today off which helped tons as well...I got to sneak away to get my hair done--AAHHHH! Love it!)

And really how could I stay frustrated at this cute boy???!?

Thankful

Thankful that I can breathe

Thankful that I have a little boy

Thankful that I live in a place where without benefits I can take care of mine and my family's needs

Thankful that God is a good that never gives up

Thankful that Jesus says, "I did not come to invite good people but to invite sinners." Mark 2:17

I can't seem to find a rhythm. My boy isn't sleeping or eating like he used too. He's a tired little man and Momma is SO tired too. Each emotion is extreme and logic and rational thoughts seem so out of reach. Postpartum seems alive and real for me right now. I read that verse this weekend and it just resounded in my ear over and over and over. I am desperate to be good. I know I don't need to be, I know that no one is asking me to be, yet I seem desperate. This verse made me sigh and relax and realize that while I am striving for who knows what, God is simply just inviting me--imperfections and all. Instead of trying to be good (aka the person I picture in my head of who I want to be) I need to just be grateful to be invited. Over the last 48 hours about 30 minutes I have been able to do that.

Max is darling, cute, adorable and has such a strength about him. Max also seems to have a magnetic personality--all of momma's imperfections seem to be shooting right out as if a magnet is pulling them to the surface.

Relaxing.

Enjoying the journey.

Choosing.

Breathing.

I will own the frustration and sadness and move forward today to the next feeding and the next nap whether he sleeps or not.

Rice Cereal and Midwife's

Thankful for midwife's that help even after your baby is 6 weeks old

Thankful for Rice Cereal that helped my little Man sleep again

Thankful for Skype and laughing about marriage, our dysfunctional issues and past experiences

Thankful for a good night of sleep for Max

Thankful for seeing my little boy read Time Magazine with his daddy

Thankful that some discussions, aka fights, that lead to deeper understanding and laughter

Thankful for mom's.

Thankful for little fingers curling around your own

Thankful for the girls at Starbucks that do things to make Max and I smile

Thankful for packages from Lincoln!! :) Thanks Kerri!!

Thankful for a husband that loves me and values communication and family

Thankful for sunshine and the beach

Thankful for little sleeping boys in Superman T Shirts

Thankful for Oreo cookies...sometimes an Oreo just makes the day a little brighter

2nd Round of Shots

Max also had his second round of shots. He was such a trooper! He barely cried and this time Daddy got to come with him. He loved being cuddled by dad after. They read the entire Buzzy Bee book and Max LOVED it! He is all better this afternoon after about 24 hours of feeling a little yuck from shots. What a week that little Maximilian has had!

Church at Starbucks

Does this face look like she needs a free Starbucks? Evidently it does. After a long day of more crying by Max and me, another round of shots, and lack of sleep piling up, I headed into Starbucks and the sweet girls in there just looked at me and said, "Want a cold one?" Ahhh....Yes I did! Then I took off my sunglasses and they both just looked at me with the most compassionate eyes. They asked how I was and I just said, "Long Day." I told them about Max's new found awakeness and they just listened and said, "I thought you looked tired." They have seen Max since before he was born and always comment on how cute he is and how not "new born mom" tired I usually look. As I was handing the girl my card to pay she smiled and said, "This one is on us, hopefully that will make you smile today."

It was weirdly enough a spiritual moment for me. I was lamenting to God today about so much and felt this gentle peace reminding me that no matter how much time I spent or didn't spend or how little my faith and trust are that He is not going anywhere. As I walked out of Starbucks a bit dazed to be honest I just thanked God. Pretty simple. Sometimes a kind gesture is as an encounter with God. I just wanted to savor the moment. I literally felt like I had just walked out of the best church service in the world. Sometimes God and spirituality can be broken down to the simplest of moments. Community is doing life with someone and by the virtue of going into or by Starbucks so often I have done life with these people. They saw my need, they met it, they encouraged me and they blessed me as I walked out. Weird. I just had church at Starbucks and saw more of God than I have in a long time.

I took my drink, pushed Max back home in the stroller and got in my car and drove to my in-laws. I handed Max to my mother in law when I drove up and she too just looked at me with compassion.

Max checking out his bike Uncle James found him--still a little worn out though

Loving being cuddled by Nana

Today I am thankful for encounters with God at Starbucks, in-laws that just let me show up, skype where community happens and you can enjoy a great sense of humor while on the other side of the world, and Jesus Culture & Kim Walker-Smith that is Max's favorite singer and CD that soothes him right to sleep.

Momma 1 - Max 1

New Zealand is a country that sometimes doesn't go for the win but rather goes to not lose. That has driven me batty. Such a slight difference but HUGE mindset difference. An American at heart, a girl from a sports family that always competed to win, and a never say die attitude led me to many moments of shear amazement at the attitude of sports in this country. During the Soccer World Cup the entire country minus the Americans and English people, were ecstatic that NZ didn't ever lose a game. "We went in knowing we wouldn't win so to never lose and be the only team to not lose by tie games is great." Seriously?!?! My boss at the time was English, he would look at me and shake his head in disbelief and then proceed to convince the Kiwi's that sports are meant to be won.

Funny how such a slight change in attitude can make or break your spirit in a game. I could NEVER play something where the goal was just not losing. It's such a head game for me, but alas my grand view and opinion has thus been shaken today. Max and I had a war today. Call it a screaming nap time if you will, but it was war! He screamed for about an hour with really no break. UGH! I had just got off the phone with an encouraging older mom and felt confident again in how I was taking care of Max. I was sure I knew what to do. NOPE. All was resolved and nap #2 approached. Max in the crib. Momma in the kitchen. Tears in between. SILENCE. Could it be? Did Momma win round #2 and actually teach her little man to settle himself and sleep. AHHHH....

Sometimes you just gotta be thankful for a culture that teaches you that 1-1 is a victory!

Thankful for a different culture and a strong willed little boy that is full of determination and strength.

What the heck?

I live in the tension of coexistence. I am sad and happy over the same thing. I am excited and disappointed over the same event. I feel full of life and desperate for direction in the same season in life. At the end of the day I take a situation or emotion and make it positive. Lest you think I am perfect this is a LONG and PAINFUL process most of the time for me and my family. I cry, I whine, I am sad, I complain, I am discouraged and I am beyond frustrated. Then like a rainbow after a horrific storm there is a deep breath and a new outlook. It's messy, it's excruciating and it's at times unfair for my poor husband. But it's me. I am working on using this distinct part of me and not dragging my family through it with me every time. Crazy. Passion. I choose passion. Right now passion is figuring out the fear that seems MASSIVE in me these days and becoming comfortable in my own skin. Until then I will continue to document things I am thankful for even if for the mere fact that while my day is happening I stop and wonder if I will blog about this moment in time.

Topping the list today would have to be Soy Chai Frappuccinos. It's simple, pure unadulterated joy for me to walk into Starbucks feel known and leave with a yummy drink that shouts "AHHHH...it's all going to be okay."



A crying boy at 4 AM that led to snuggly sleep on momma at 5:30. Walks with new mom friends around the newly opened Mount after two weeks of an unopened Mount due to mudslides. Plans to make Valentine Day cupcakes with a mom friend tomorrow. Email from Holly that made my weekend. A phone call that reminded me that I am not alone. Podcasts from Bethel. Sunshine on my shoulders. A phone that makes it possible for me to check Facebook and email while waiting in line at the grocery store. Sunflower seeds from America. Time on the computer because Sam was watching Top Gear.

Tomorrow is a new day, filled with wonder, emotion, unknown and many plans that in the end won't happen giving me yet one more chance to be fluid and flexible and really enjoy being fluid and flexible. I will find a new piece of myself and settle into my identity and I will choose to be excited about the day because to look forward to something is just as, or maybe more important than the thing I am actually looking forward to in my life.

Plans Shmans

I had such a great plan today, even had a back up plan to my plan. Wanna take a guess at what didn't happen today? Yep. My plan. Even as I began to see the plan unraveling this morning at 7:30 I stopped to stay, "I am thankful that I have a family that 'wrecks' my 'perfect plans.'" The day got more and more funny as it progressed as if the God of the universe was giving me every chance to choose thankfulness and letting go of my plans.

Tonight as I listen to my son move and wiggle with his daddy I am reminded of good things. Great emails. One from an old student that made me thankful that I lived in a dorm for 3 years in my late 20's. Another email from a friend that said just the right words at just the right time. Getting late to my friend's appointment (because of said plans not happening) but walking into hear that everything was A OKAY. Perfectly timed phone call from Sea Jay. Watching Scrubs with my husband on a rainy day. Finding my most favorite gift that Sam ever gave me after realizing today I had lost it: My Charm City/Ace of Cakes hoodie that Sam figured out how to get to NZ from the States. As modeled below.

Cooking dinner with my family. And Max thinking, once again, that he's bigger than he is while he helps Daddy cook dinner.



And having a wiggling, non stop moving, always active baby boy on my lap while I capture my thankful moments for today.

Thankful Reflections

I have been inspired this last week by so many people. Kimberly and Holly and their maturity and joy for my family and life seemed to make me just want to be a better person. My friend Amy from high school who is walking through tough stuff but taking one step at a time. My friend Dan who, I will be the first to say I am SO glad that he is blogging again. And a friend of my roommate from college who each day is posting what she is finding in her day to be thankful for right now.

For about a month or more now I have wanted to communicate in writing more and more and have felt stuck. I realized this week in a quiet moment after reading THIS BLOG by Dan that God is giving me so much in the here and now to do to serve people and Him. Yet I am such a big grandiose, love to see major things, massive dreamer that I really do seem to epitomize 'Go Big or Go Home.' (which makes every Kiwi want to throw up, but heck it's who I am at the core of my being) I have been like that my whole life. I didn't just get hurt as a kid, I got electrocuted so badly that they were surprised I wasn't severely hurt or dead. I didn't just play house as a kid, I played "disaster house." Playing house was too boring, I needed to save people from a disaster in order to make house fun. Seriously?!?!? God mad me with this insatiable desire for adventure and drama.

So, now as I sit at home feeding a baby every three hours that takes 40 or more minutes to feed my life can feel quite mundane or boring, yet in all that sitting I am dreaming up what I want to do. I have thought of about a million ideas including moving to Fiji and reading books to poor kids because I just heard a study where kids who are read to as a child before the age of 5 will have exponentially higher rates of success not only in school but COLLEGE! Most poor kids are deemed as never making it to college but this study saw that just by one simple act of reading books to kids at night can change poverty. Again....I have a three month old. Not saying that we can't do all my grandiose ideas, but I think God might be doing something entirely different in me.

I think He is calling me to the here and now. Which, quite frankly, I SUCK AT! The other day I made myself stop and let Max sleep on me so I could choose the here and now and not be into the million things I thought I needed to do. I have one shot at each day with Max and before I know it he will be running out the door with his friends and not really needing me for food...well he is a boy so maybe he will always need me for food, but you get my point!

After reading that blog of Dan's and reflecting on that and Dorina's Thankful Posts on Facebook every day, I decided to make a choice to stop holding on so tightly to what I thought life was supposed to look like and enjoy and dive into the life in front of me. Novel idea right? Well, for this active dreamer it was a turning point. I looked at the opportunities in my life already: The plunket nurse asked me to arrange a mom's group for women in my area which I already have had a chance to start, Sam's good friend from high school invited me to a mom's group at her church and I actually made myself go and enjoyed it and then had that friend share some really hard news and I got to be a friend to her when she really needed one....talk about so glad I chose to get over my "they aren't Americans and I am nervous" attitude! My husband and kiddo love being a part of the family we are creating and as a mom and wife I get to be apart of setting the tone in the house for so much of our interaction and memory building. And BIG ONE HERE....I can blog all I want!!! No one is holding a gun to my head saying "stop communicating."

So off I go into blogging more to share my heart, chronicle our story and I trust allow God to use the gifts He gave me to speak to and encourage those who read it.

I am beyond thankful for the INTERNET today. It has given me a place to stay connected of course to those in the States, but it has also been a place for God to speak to me through a variety of different people. Community is a weird thing and at the end of the day I think God's heart is connecting people to people and to Himself and for me the Internet does that on a daily basis!

Cute Boy

Max is laughing more and more now! Today at Starbucks he was cracking up at Momma!

Kimberly and Holly's Visist

We had SO much fun with Kimberly and Holly here!!! It was such a great week and Max absolutely adored them!

Beach Time for the Bubbs

He LOVED the sand!

Lots of stroller time while the girls were here

Good thing he loves his stroller!!

A little more beach time with Momma

In NZ we do A LOT of dress up parties! If you saw Yes Man...they weren't joking about all the dress up parties! We went to our friends Sally and Andy's one night and we quickly came up with a theme so we could do some sort of dress up. We did a hat/head theme. Unfortunately I only got pictures of the girls...look how creative they were in 5 minutes before we walked out the door!

He loves those girls!

Mexican food on the deck! YUMMM!!!

Heading out for some girl time!

Hols and Kimberly getting ready to jump!

Jumpin'

Dangling!!!

Our sweet little family!

Three Months Old!!!

My little three month old is sitting on my lap and chatting away as I put these pictures up. He has had such an exciting three months of life so far! He absolutely LOVES people, smiles and chatters, laughs (he laughed for the first time Friday!!!!), he thinks he can walk, he loves all the time he has spent with his Grammy and Grampa and his Nana and Papa here. He makes us crazy, happy, sad, frustrated and shocked that we made this little man!

Here are some pictures that capture our little turkey on his three month birthday!

















I have SO much more I feel like I want to write about. The changes of being a mom, seeing friends from home, the reality of life getting back to normal, the changes in marriage after a child, the changes in me as I learn to serve and follow God with a baby....AHG! So much! Plus all the pictures from Holly and Kimberly! It was such a great time with them and I was so sad to see them go. I tried not crying and made it down the freeway about 20 minutes before I lost it. A bit hard coming back into town feeling pretty lonely and friendless and lost in life in general. A quick text to a friend, a huge talk with Sam about life in general and about my own stinky attitude the past few weeks, being proactive and actually getting calling people to get together that have tried to get together with me for months, and some quiet family time last night with Max at the ocean helped grow me into a new place.

Much more to come later....Happy Super Bowl!