What A Day

We have had to make some hard decisions that weren't necessarily hard as much as hard for those that it affected. People pleasing has reared it's head again for me. Sam's aunt from America (married to his uncle who is Kiwi) has Whooping Cough. Poor thing! She got it before they were due to leave for their vacation to NZ. They hadn't been back in over 2 years and all the family was very much anticipating this trip, us included! She had antibiotics and had one round left once she got her last week. (Evidently you get two rounds to aggressively get rid of the disease)

We didn't know much about whooping cough but knew to ask the professionals. Our midwife and the plunket nurses both said a very non hesitant, "Not at all around Max. He is too little and it is TOO dangerous to mess with it." The family was up in Auckland and wasn't due down to the Mount until Christmas Eve. His aunt has been SO amazing through it all and said while she wasn't infectious she was more than happy to not come down here for the family Christmas.

The other bummer is that Sam's family went up to see them and spent time with them. That then led us to decide until everyone that had seen her gets through the incubation period (4-10 days) where the disease can be inside and not yet active, will need to stay away from Max until the 10 days is up. BUMMER! Plus Gracie, who has yet to meet Max because of being away at college, saw her recently before we were able to tell her. So everyone will be clear on Christmas Eve and we aren't going over until Christmas day. It was interesting that people pleasing was thrown out the window for me...at first. I was able to quickly make the decision with Sam and knew that even if his family was mad or thought we were over protective or crazy it didn't matter because our job is to protect Max.

Like I said, "at first." I was worn down at the disappointment I heard. I stood my ground but second guessed myself TONS. I could feel all my tendencies to make everyone happy (and be the likable one with no one mad at her) rise to the surface, all the while knowing cognitively what the best thing was. Interesting to see emotion fight with logic. I am still growing and had to work through this for a bit. Growth is a process and I wanted it to be instant! Funny that people pleasing can come back so strong, and while the decision didn't change the guilt was huge!

Letting go of other's disappointment (which I knew of course was the only thing driving the repeat phone calls and requests) was not instantaneous for me. I tried to not let the emotion get the best of me and also tried to use some of the techniques that I learned in counseling this year. One being to be a little easier on myself that this is a process and while I am struggling with it I am still making the right decision and it is just emotion.

I talked with the Plunket hot line and the midwife again today, just to check and make sure I wasn't being overly paranoid and setting too strong of a boundary. They said the same thing, as mom's and medical professionals. While I wanted to be SO strong and let my decision stand it felt good to be reassured that I wasn't crazy and it is okay for family to be upset and even, HEAVEN FORBID, disagree with me and judge my decision. I ABSOLUTELY know it's all in love for Max, but it didn't make it easier.

I hung up the phone feeling quite centered again and reassured we were making the right decision. I so wished I didn't need to hear from the midwife and plunket hot line and could just be strong in my decision, but I just am not there. Growing, but not quite there. As I hung up the phone I started feeling empowered and weird at the same time. I felt a little achy and THEN the shakes and freezing feeling started!!!!

UGH! Round #3. Of what you ask? INFECTION! (mastitis) I now have had Mastitis 3 times in 6 weeks. What in the world?!

I text the midwife back once again and let her know what was going on. She quickly called me (Man I am going to miss her! Her last day with Max and I is next Tuesday then I am with plunket full time) and said lets get this taken care of then talk about other options. Breast feeding just might not work with my body. I took something similar to Tylenol to break the fever and shakes and then Tom went and got my perscription because Sam was working. By the time Tom got there I was better and not shaking or feverish. She gave me two things this time and next week we will reassess what I need to do for me and Max.

BUMMER to have this again. What a day! I'm on the road to feeling better now and will feel 100% tomorrow. I tried to approach both these situations without too much emotion and "poor me." It happens, life happens and I can choose what I do with it. While I have said that for years I am actually getting better at practicing that in the mist of hard things....it sounds so right and easy when things aren't hard or pressing on my insecurities, huh?

The first 6 weeks of Max's life has been wonderful but I am definitely ready to enter the new stages. He is precious and I love the smiles and love the newness of each day, but also look forward to getting a little more sorted out and having him be a little more sorted in the midst of all the sickness and having to change so much. I look forward to him interacting a bit more and watching him grow in the next few months. I always tell myself, "Tomorrow is a new day. We can restart then." Glad for that! And glad today is almost over!!