Sam's in Surgery

I am sitting in Sam's hospital room waiting as he gets his ACL surgery to repair his knee. It's been so long since I've been able to share, but thought I would take a quick second today. I was quite impressed with the medical system here. It's so hard to navigate medical systems at home, but it feels so new and foreign to me here. I have of course asked the inevitable American question, "How much is this going to cost?"
They always smile and just patiently remind me nothing. It's as if I need to be stressed about money, but there is nothing to stress about. Sam is having his surgery at a private hospital, though the government is paying for it. It doesn't make sense to me, but everything is taken care of. I think it's because his orthopedic surgeon does his surgery's here. Who knows? We were told to be here at 6:45am and we went back at 7. They did the pre op stuff and then the surgeon & anesthesiologist came and chatted with him and off he went at 8am. I had heard you go on a list and wait all day, but that wasn't the case for us. I gave him a kiss said "I love you" and walked away. Instantly tears flowed as I walked out of pre op. Maybe because I'm tired, maybe because he was nervous, or maybe because it's just me. Tears. Emotion. Expressing them both.

I walked out and then got lost. I couldn't seem to find my way to the front. I stood there feeling a bit blonde, frozen and thinking I was on the set of Grey's Anatomy." I could just picture myself wandering into the wrong place, so I just stood there waiting for.....well, I don't know actually. Waiting for someone to appear, waiting to stop thinking my life is a tv show, just waiting feeling lost and confused.

Finally, what I think was a surgeon walked out of a long hallway, took compassion on me and showed me out, saying "You don't want to take a wrong turn in this part." Nice.

I walked out partly laughing at myself and partly feeling overwhelmed. Life seems be much like that experience for me right now. Surrounded by order and protocals I don't understand, and people who appear to know what they are doing. I can't seem to find my footing and most of the time feel embarrassed about that.

As I came up to Sam's private room with cable (he's pretty excited about those two things) I realized I might need to make another "What I Know" list.

Here's What I Know Today:

I know that I don't know everything
I know God is good
I know I should trust He's good even when life doesn't make sense
I know today I trust him....maybe just maybe the way it's supposed to be--trusting because you have no where else to turn and no back up plan. Just pure, scary, no safety net trust
I know today He loves me
I know He is faithful because that's who He is.
I know His love and faithfulness aren't dependent on my faith or actions even though my whole being screams the opposite
I know He sees the tiniest of faith within me and is pleased
I know right now I'm going to steal away time with Him in these quiet moments and not distract myself so I don't feel the confusion and chaos in my soul
I know He will be there, regardless of silence or lack of feeling
I know I'll update you when Sam is out of surgery