Rugby Saturday

We drive around looking for rugby games on Saturdays. Weird? Nerdy? Creepy? Maybe. Maybe all of those things. But today as I sat for almost two hours with my little boy engrossed in a local rugby game, I couldn't help but stop. You know those moments that almost feel like slow motion? Those moments that feels as if you are seeing a memory that you will have in 20 years. The brilliant colours on the trees. The back drop of an old university and old church buildings. The smell of fall and sports cream all mixed together in one fantastic smell.

Who knows what Max will choose to do over the course of his awesome life. Lately he fluctuates between a surgeon and a rugby player. Making sure to ask if surgeons eat their dinner or if All Blacks have to go to bed before he ventures to finish a task he doesn't want to do. But whatever he does the smell of Fall and the moments sitting watching a rugby game where we knew not one single fan or player will be etched into our psyche. I like that. It makes me smile. It makes me glad my little boy has passions that he is obsessed with even at two. He's amazing and I'm glad I'm his mom.

If You Get Lost You Can Always Be Found

This is one of my favourite lines in what seems to be my anthem song as of late. Philip Philips' song Home has spoken to me the last month. You know the dark & twisty weeks that have been on my blog lately? Yeah those weeks this song has given me hope & faith & left me saying, "It's all going to be okay."

It's okay to risk, to get lost, to make massive mistakes, be angry, be judgemental, feel confused and disillusioned. It's okay, just do it anyway. Feel it anyway. Express it anyway. Why? Because if it leaves you feeling a bit lost you will be found again.

It is a deeply spiritual song...for me. It released a freedom in me to love God more without fear of how it "should" be and look and feel. Not ironically to me this week was very different than most trying weeks. And let me be clear this week was FULL of trying circumstances, most of which are not all worked out. Sometimes it's good to relearn that we need be nothing except who we are. Shake off past failure and disappointment and fall into the moment knowing if you lose your way you will be found.


*if you haven't heard the song google "Philip Philips Home" the website isn't letting me make an easy link for you all.

Unexpected was Right

Whew. What a week. I have had a quiet peace all week in the midst of a car dying, max crashing through our sliding glass door, a hole in our door that wasn't fixed until the next day, Sam's motorbike dying on the way to look at a car to replace my car, our heat pump still a bit on the fritz & a host of other things.

My peace has stayed through it all. The last few years I had to find my peace by reminding myself who God is, but this time it just settled on me. For that I am thankful. Our car made it one last drive to get Sam in the rain tonight while he waited by his broken scooter and we all made it home safe. I have money set aside for other things but can use it for the car. I had a friend bring me Starbucks while I have been stranded at home. And another friend pick Max & me up and took us to Starbucks today. Thankful. I walked into Starbucks to compliments and encouragement. I missed my happy place.
A friend brought us meatballs & spaghetti so I didn't have to cook tonight. And Max
played Dr. Ackland all afternoon in the surgeon specialty. He knew a bit too much cutting with his knife & saying "oh no mommy the blood is coming" then started doing heart compressions. Mom might have watched a few too many Grey's Anatomy in front of him. At least he's learning.

Today after a 6 mile run I left Max with my phone because he was watching the video Uncle Mike & "uncle" Tyler (he refuses to believe he's a cousin & insists its "uncle Tyler") made him over and over. In that few minutes he took an enormous amount of selfies on my phone and text Sam a cute text. Evidently he called Sam twice too. He's a little too observant I think! But it could have been much worse leaving my 2 year old with my phone. He also got his first black eye tonight. When we finally got home he was playing rugby, of course, and slammed into Sam's knee. I guess for Max the best reason to get a black eye would be because of rugby.

Max again summed it up well when we walked in the door tonight, "Oh what a day we had!"

If you are the praying type I would love prayers for continued peace as we figure this out and for Sam as he tries to focus on his studies that are extremely hard. And of course for an awesome car that's better than we could have hoped for and if you're not the praying type cross your fingers extra tonight for us.

I believe something will happen and I am sure that as we stay thankful we will reap good things.

"Expect the Unexpected. And Deal with It."

Graham Henry (All Black coach of the World Champ team) said this over and over to his team the years heading to the World Cup title. I loved his book. It inspired me, connected to me and challenged me. This last few weeks I have tried to live this quote. I mostly failed miserably after blowing up over insignificant things and crying too many times to count to friends in America. But I'm repeating it. Sometimes after the melt down but at least I'm recalling the way I'm hoping to live.

I'm emotional. I feel at levels that I don't even think are human some days. Yet I am very selective at who sees the raw, unfiltered Dana. It's my dysfunctional gift I give to my closest friends. Your welcome. Some days life in a different culture is teaching me so much. From my limited vantage point emotion & expressing emotions isn't a high value. That's about as opposite as you can get to me. I had a friend tell me horribly sad news that would have crushed me but she responded with "Never mind. It will be alright. I knew it was a possibility." Here in lies the massive chasm I feel some days. You see earlier that week I was in tears over a miscommunication. Tears. Full fledge heart ache. So not on the same level as my friend's great loss. I realise pain is pain, mine seemed so inconsequential though. It leaves me feeling so at a loss at relationships down here sometimes. I cry when Sam & I are disconnected, when I'm lonely, when I'm scared. All hard things in their own right yet not typically tear worthy here as a norm. Expected the unexpected and deal with it. It's what I'm learning to do even in friendships.

It's good for me to learn to deal with things and move forward and not dwell. I'm learning the beauty that life holds when you do life in that manner. Yet I still need a good cry with a friend from America that knows me at deep levels and better than I know myself. This week I chatted/emailed to a few of my closest friends. They know me. They make me feel known. They are gifts to me. They can listen to me cry about life and weather and relationships while I sit on a park bench holding my Starbucks looking like a crazy mom and know I'm going to be okay. Know that I will rally. Know what to say. Know that in my funk I still will find the stupid silver lining and not judge me that I'm still searching for that silver lining after 4 years. They make me laugh with memories and feel refreshed with humour that comes from 20 years of history. They get me. They helped me when the unexpected crash landed and then they helped me deal with it.

Expected the unexpected and deal with it. I did accomplish that this week a couple times. Once through tears in my pantry. Once at the Botanical Gardens. And once today at the hair salon. I needed a change. A happy pick me up. A bounce to my step that's lacking. Lucky for me my hair stylist is incredible. She heard my heart...seriously they should get counselling degrees with their hair license! She listened and she did her magic.

Change is good. When life stinks for me I crave change. I'm flight in fight vs flight mode. Every time flight. The closer I seem to get to Antarctica the harder it seems to be to flight. So today I decided that "flighting" equaled hair change. It felt good. It's how I deal with life. The unexpected came too much this week so I dealt with it in my crazy way. I like my crazy. I'm learning to embrace my crazy. It works for me. It doesn't look like dealing with it the way I see others around me do it, but it's my way. Plus eating mass amounts of chocolate always helps too. Crazy is good. Change is good. It's not for everyone but I'm learning it is for me. And I'm okay with that.

Garden Day

Kiwi's love their dress up days! Max had a garden themed dress up day at music. He was pretty excited about it. We found an old pair of overalls and put some grass in them and he was set. I love getting into things 100% so Max is always the most dressed up. Hehehe. Takes an American to go over the top at a Kiwi tradition. Go BIG or Go Home!!

It's not the Ocean...

Max is riding his bike for the umpteenth time at the Botanical Gardens by our house. I'm trailing behind holding my Starbucks typing this note. Today as we pulled into the Gardens I was reminded how we used to walk the beach shores this often. I felt restored, refreshed and inspired at the beach. Not at the Gardens. Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful. It's just not me. I take nothing away from there. My soul is not shifted. My mind is not altered. My mood is usually not changed. I go. I enjoy watching Max and whatever other little one we have with us. It just doesn't have the affect the ocean does for me. It's effort to go to the Gardens. It's effortless to go to the beach.

Max switched to rugby now. No surprises there. He's been kicking for over ten minutes as I type and watch. I love seeing Max play and develop. I love spending time with him. I felt so off the last few days and as I sit here I realise a practical truth: the Gardens are not the Ocean. It's simple, laughable really. But the profound difference and the acknowledgment that my energy is not restored at the Gardens feels freeing. It feels refreshing even. I am finding the good and joy in this season in this city but its effort. A lot of effort. I would venture to use the word discipline. Discipline to write down what I'm thankful for and what I love. There's a lot. I just must make myself say them. I was spoiled living at the beach for so long. Life was challenging there for sure but I only must walk two blocks to recenter without forcing myself to say what I was thankful for at the moment. My heart just settled. Peace came. Hope rose up. Joy bubbled out.

I can't say I love the effort of this season. It's real though. It's the version of me in Dunedin. But I also believe that effort isn't always bad and produces something that is beautiful and hopeful. So while I walk the Gardens over and over and see the beauty that doesn't really fill me up I will remember that this is just a season and God is in the midst of it.

He Loves Rugby

We spend lots of our day "playing" Richie, Ma'a, Brad Thorne, Aaron Smith, Dan Carter.... Max loves his rugby. Loves his rugby players. As I was cooking dinner the last two nights Max has ran and kicked and scored trys. He has said, "I'm Richie" as he takes off running and dives for a try. In fact, the only way we got him to eat dinner was as he announced he was Ma'a, telling him Ma'a eats all his dinner. We then had to address him as Ma'a or whoever else he was "playing."

I wonder do they know? Do they know that kids play them? Do they get it? Do they realise that a funny 2 year old in a kitchen in Dunedin runs around pretending to be them? Do they feel the weight of that? I wonder do they? I'm actually okay with Max playing All Blacks. No one is perfect. No team is perfect but
there is something impressive about the current culture of the All Blacks right now. If Max wants to "play" all these guys for now I'm all for it. I hope they know though. I hope they know the impact they make off the field.

Today Max found a big rugby ball at Liam's school and did what he does best: kick like an All Black.

Buddies

I turned around at a red light yesterday and saw this...

Reading the Paper

Max found a paper today at Starbucks that had the Highlanders in it. He was very excited to catch up on his rugby news!

Our Highlanders are having a bummer season so Max's serious face about the article that is discussing their problems killed me.

This Boy

Hahahaha! Today while I was at the physio Max was playing a game on my phone. Later today I took a picture and noticed a few self portraits this turkey took. Funny 2 year old!!!!