Thankful.

I have to confess that while I am trying to get excited about the "holidays" I am just not. (Even with the Starbucks red cups out that I was sure would transport my heart and attitude there, it didn't). I realized this weekend that it is Thanksgiving week and yet it doesn't feel like it at all. I thought about it the last couple days and wondered if it was me adjusting and embracing this culture where November and December don't hold the same anticipation. I wondered if it was simply because Max and Sam were sick with bad tummy bugs all week. I wondered if I was just tired and sleep deprived. I wondered if quite frankly my heart just wasn't thankful and it was overflowing into life. I just don't have the energy in this time of life to conjure up the "holiday" emotions that I so desperately want to. Especially with no culture or consumerism to help me out. I have lived my life with this sense of I 'should' have a good attitude. I 'should be positive.' I 'should be thankful.' I 'should have faith.' I 'should feel like this.' All that left me feeling was this utter sense of failure and guilt. Not fun.

We are waiting on some answers to prayer that aren't quite here yet. That is hard. I want to be thankful. I want to have this great attitude where it is easy to wait. I don't. To be thankful for the moments when the prayer is answered in little ways before the big ways is the biggest act of faith I feel like I have ever chosen. It's tough, tempting to complain that the answer isn't happening, tempting to even miss the beginning of the answer because it is so small.

It seemed I had nothing left today. I cried a bit. Talked on the phone to a good friend who encouraged me. And took Max to his music class. There is a part of the Bible that says all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed. Somewhere in me I had that, barely today. As I walked to music my heart, without prompting, was so thankful for my friend Hayley. And even more thankful that I got to chat to her on my cell phone, which feels like a luxury that rarely happens in NZ for me. I didn't focus on the fact that she is moving on Thursday to the South Island (which I must confess I have for the last week which just left me more depressed and grief stricken). Not until tonight did I realize I just was thankful as I walked to Max's music class.

Max had his birthday since we last went to music, so it was his turn to go up front and be sung to and receive a gift.

He didn't quite get why they were singing to him.

He did love getting a gift

He gave the sweet ladies a HUGE smile of thanks

We love Mainly Music!

I had an unexpected conversations with one of the sweet older ladies that runs this music class. She shared a story from her life that encouraged me and actually just lifted some guilt off me. It was such a sweet moment. I felt thankful.

As we walked home, my heart felt a bit lighter. I stopped to give a friend a coffee because so often in the last 4 months I have been gifted a coffee. Then we headed home in the crazy wind. My mood was definitely in a better place.

Max took a nap and afterwards we cleaned the house together while we had our little church experience, Bethel live right in our living room. After we were done cleaning Max played and we just enjoyed what God was doing. Max LOVES when we watch/experience Bethel singing and when the pastor speaks. He interacts a ton and today was no different. I caught a couple of shots of him watching. My sweet boy learning about God.

As I put Max to bed and he only cried for 10 minutes. THANKFUL (you should have seen our last 48 hours this is a MASSIVE STOP AND BE THANKFUL MOMENT!) I found myself humming a thanksgiving song. Not that we really have thanksgiving songs but it was a song all about being thankful. Instead of trying to be who I "thought" I "should" be I just was. It was freeing. Should is a word that has killed me in the past. I am slowing living outside of "should" and in the moment. It's nice. It led me to Thankfulness and Trust today.

It's beginning to feel a little bit more like the Holidays. Not what I think it or I "should" be, just what it is.