Breakthrough

Who knows if Max is teething, needing extra cuddles or just plain fussy, but man the last few days he has cried more, wanted to be cuddled (which is unlike my non cuddler) and rubbed his teeth constantly. Monday all that worked was a walk and a sleep at the beach. Which was actually quite good for Momma too.



I noticed how I have a VERY hard time being in the present. I am either in the past or future constantly. I can deceive myself into thinking that I am in the present because I am on my phone on Facebook, emails and texts, but in reality I am missing the present moment. I fought hard to stay in the present at the beach on Monday. I sat there and watched God do some healing work in me. Funny how healing comes in random to us and not so random to God moments. A simple article in my O Magazine by Martha Beck (April 2011 pg 59) led me to an exercise that I actually had space to do since my little boy was asleep at the beach and there wasn't much else to do. Most of you know there was some hard relationships and circumstances that I walked back into when returning to New Zealand. The process of healing, maturity, grief, and growth has been exactly that: a process. In reading this article the author challenged each person to take that person they are obsessing over, annoyed with, angry with, or just plain overly judgemental against and write them a letter saying all that you want. She actually phrased it "release your inner b*@^h." Then after finishing, cross out their name and put yours. Absorb it, be humbled, listen to the words. Her theory is that most of what we SO abhor in others is what we abhor in ourselves. Then repeat the process except this time choose someone that you over the top admire, gushingly tell them all the things you love about them. She referred to this by saying, "release your inner puppy dog." Then again upon finishing change the name to yours and allow yourself to receive those things. Her theory to being similar that what you are so drawn to in others is in your also. She likened it to mirrors. We seek out, subconsciously mirrors of ourselves, is her observation.

To say I was skeptical would be an understatement, but the thought/exercise never left my head though. As I sat by the ocean with Max sleeping peacefully the exercises popped into my head once again. I decided to try it with an open heart. It was healing in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. It was nothing that I expected, but so personal and specific from God. Most things I share with an open heart, but these things are too raw and poignant to share at this point. It was worth it and the feeling of 3 years of heartache and struggle that seemed to wash away with the waves that day surprised me, but isn't it just like God to work in ways you are sure won't work. The people that I obsessed over became great teachers and tools of healing to my heart and soul.

Max on the other hand was not having much of a breakthrough with his fussing. He just didn't really want to settle, sleep, or be still. UNTIL we got out his new book from Grammy that has her reading him the story!



He LOVED it and we read it over and over and over for about 20 minutes or so. He finally sat still. Was quiet. Didn't cry. YAY!