Grief

Wow it's been awhile since I have written anything. Being on a computer all day and having my phone break (which is the only way I was taking pictures this last year) might have contributed to lack of writing. But at the same time the last few weeks have been blissfully uneventful. It is funny how the mundane in life feels so good.

The last two years have been an incredible roller coaster, learning curve, frustrating and exciting two years. This last two weeks, though, I found myself breathing deeply (which is feat some days with this little tyke growing into my lungs these days!) when I was driving in the car by myself, or shopping in the grocery store where I now can locate things or just running errands that are regular every day tasks. It felt good to feel not in utter chaos wondering what was coming next. Now lest you think I don't remember the growing tummy and MAJOR life change that is coming in 8 short weeks, I do. The change of Maximillian coming seems so small compared to the days when I was living with numerous changes a day. Plus in my head I am not sure I have the whole concept "that he is actually coming out of me" down yet. :)

This week though seemingly, out of the blue grief struck. It felt odd, and weirdly in place versus out of place. It felt like an old companion that you pick up with right where you left off. The difference with this grief moment was a lack of "freaking out." Bless you all who stick in my life through all my "freak outs!" I love blogging mostly to look back and laugh at myself and the intensity in which I feel and communicate in those "freak outs," and then smile that there are still people in my life.

I was telling my mom this week that grief is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you in the oddest times once the major portion of grief is felt and walked through. The funny thing this week was I was grieving something that once was, which of course is normal and what grief is 9 times out of ten, but I was also grieving what wasn't. I didn't want what I was necessarily grieving over, but I did have the odd sensation that can't be explained with one word like sadness or anger or fear. Grief isn't one emotion, it's a state of being for a brief moment. Even if grief lasts for months and years it is still a brief moment in the life and experiences we have lived and yet to live.

I love running! I miss running a tiny bit now that I am pregnant. I, too, love running emotionally and that can be done out of shape, 8 months pregnant or in top peak athletic condition. This time I didn't run from the grief and I didn't let it become a human form nor did I let it scare me into thinking that I had to run. Ironically, a lot of this learning has come through some friends and friends of friends walking through personal health nightmares. As I have read their process of pain, grieving and faith I have been inspired and changed. Coupled with a great counselor here in NZ helping me process all the craziness of life the last 2 years I noticed something this week. My emotions didn't win, nor did they stay forever. I had a friend say something last week that struck me, while I wanted to roll my eyes at first I found myself repeating this quote and just digesting it. "Our role with our emotions is to say to them, 'I see you. I hear you. I recognize you, and I even honor you. But you won't rule me!'"

I have to be honest at first I didn't just think of rolling my eyes, I did. But the more I digested it I realized that is what I have been learning this last year. Painful experiences brought pain. Novel thought, I know. But through that pain such incredible growth has sprung up. I know, I know, not a new concept, but this time the pain was deeper, the change was more intense, and the grieving seemed never ending and out of place because there were so many NEW and GREAT things in my life. Yet somehow out of it all good was produced. I don't get it and I don't even want to figure out how it happened. It just happened. Am I glad that pain was mixed with all the new and exciting things in my life? NOPE. Am I am thankful for all that it brought me and how it grew me? YEP.

So I see why grief was more like a companion this time and not a foe to be tackled, hit and demolished. Grief, from change and pain, had become a companion that I didn't fear. I didn't welcome as of yet, but I didn't fear. As I walked through my Saturday I let the grief come and even a few tears. I quoted some verses that seemed to get me through the toughest emotion and then I did what I do best--cleaned, got a pedicure, baked sweets (and even ate some that I will pay for later but man it tasted good going down!) and enjoyed the sunshine that had finally come to NZ. By the end of the day I still had random fleeting thoughts and questions unanswered but I just looked at my companion grief, shrugged my shoulders and enjoyed the night with Sam and his family.

Grief. No one likes it. Most hate why it has to visit in the first place. All hope that they might be able to avoid it. But like most good companions it won't run from us because it too understands the powerful place it has in our hearts and lives to bring healing and eventually hope. A faithful friend that doesn't listen to our screams, fears and definitely doesn't seem to take running away personally, grief just waits it out and gently pops into our life until the work is complete.