Home Alone

I watched all 4 Home Alones this week while I was nannying....I didn't even know there was a Home Alone 4, evidently there is. And now it is Sam and my turn to be Home Alone. The lady I nanny for left for vacation this week and "let" us house sit for her. It was such a fun treat to get to have a house to our self and just enjoy being away....it's like a mini vacation for us. Her house is beautiful, with a great view and a pool. What a treat for us! There was one catch....her oldest son has a BIG Lizard and we have to feed it LIVE locust and meal worms....when I say "we" I mean Sam.



It was yet again, "perfect timing," completely unexpected, but "perfect timing." I have been thinking so much this last week about ....well about life. I find myself consumed with thoughts of "is this the life other people think I should lead?" "will people be disappointed in me?" "are people judging my decisions and finding me lacking in spirituality, love (or any other thing I think that I should be displaying at the moment)?"

This last few days, it is as if something clicked in my head. My friend Rachel started a blog and I was so excited to learn from her. She is a woman that I admire from the years I spent in LA and I was thankful that she was willing to share her life, journey and insights with people. One thing she said this last week struck me.

Now, I so wish I could say that when He (God) speaks to me, I hear, period. It doesn't always work like that for me. Most of the time, He brings things to mind on a consistent basis or speaks through others until, tada...the light bulb finally goes on.

It was such a simple line and really wasn't the crux of her thoughts that day, but all of a sudden I realized that it is that simple. It's not always easy to understand God and there are times that life seems so mixed up and confusing, but give it time and you will eventually have the light bulb moment. I just have to believe that about life....it is the part of me that has to hope for more. I think that for me the last few months I have been living this process. I keep wanting to just live the life I am living and not live what others think I should live, or more accurately what I "think" others want me to live. People pleasing seems to be hard wired inside of me and there is a brilliant side to that--I enjoy making people smile and watching people feel good about themselves after I have interacted with them. The down side...obsessive thoughts about what other's think and how I can make them not disappointed in me or my actions. This last few months I feel like the same thoughts keep coming to mind over and over again, through people, books, the Bible, in quiet moments when no one is around, even in "Friends" episodes (yes God does speak through "Friends"): Live the life in front of you.

I have expended so much energy as of late worrying about others that I think I forgot something so simple that will actually bring me what I truly want: to enjoy loving God, my husband, and my life no matter what I am walking through. An old college professor that was full of wisdom and strength, yet so gentle and compassionate said something over 10 years ago (Oh my gosh has college really been that long ago??!?!?!) that has rung in my ears all week: "Grow where you are planted." It was simple, and after all his years of life (he was in his 70's) serving people, pastoring, teaching and loving his wife that was sick he said this was the simplest of all theology. You are in the place you are in...grow in that spot.

I woke up this morning just peaceful, liking my life, happy that I get to see the man I love right when I wake up. I have loved all the experiences I have had over the years and love that I have been privileged to see so many people over the years connect to God, walk through huge life struggles and learn more about themselves and God....truly a gift from God and something that I do not deserve. With no title, no paycheck, no staff of people I oversaw, or group of volunteers I led...I saw my life as such a gift this morning, even more beautiful than all the other years combined. It was quiet and simple, yet beautiful and complex. To love another and be loved by another is a gift that not everyone will experience. I don't know what life holds for Sam and I...quite frankly I don't know what the next day holds for us most days :) But I do know this, our life is a gift. As we love each other and love those that are placed in our path--like unexpected single mom's and 3 sweet boys, we are seeing parts of God that he has chosen to share with us. In these moments we are the delight of the Father's heart and experience His delight. To be delighted in is a great feeling and the reality is that at every moment of the day it is our privilege. In the chaos of life and change for me and in the obsessive thoughts of not disappointing others I can so easily forget that. When I was 21 I heard this wise lady in her 40's say, "In your 20's you think everyone is watching you and you act accordingly. In your 30's you decide 'Forget it! Who cares if they are watching I am going to live my life.' In your 40's your realize that no one was actually watching you at all." It made me laugh and I have never seemed to forget it and when life feels like all eyes are on me I always seem to recall that and tell myself, "No matter how it feels, the reality is very little people are watching you..if anyone at all." :)

I guess at the end of the day, my sweet little Raya that shared her room with me last year has theogogy understood much more than I do...this was in her room a few weeks ago when Sea Jay found it...



This week I will choose to remember those two simple truths...and enjoy my life.