Star Wars

I realized I haven't blogged the whole week...some of that is due to lack of time on the computer. And some of it is due to just being in a slump. It's weird to be feeling so many things at once. I love being here and love the life that we are creating, but there are days when I am just so out of sorts and a bit undone. This week I faced a lot of sadness. It was hard for me to get out of bed some days and for the first time in a long time I wanted to just sit when asked if I wanted to go anywhere....

It's a weird feeling to not be motivated to do much. I think between all the constant change and the hard relational stuff we faced last week, my emotions just shut down a bit. I want to "snap out of it" but it just doesn't seem to be snapping as quick as I want it too. I have felt like this two other times in life, but the major differences are....one, I am married and no longer have the ability to fully hide, and two, I live within feet of my in laws. For the record, I LOVE living here, but there was a day when staying in bed all day just sounded good, but I couldn't bear the thought of knowing my mother in law was watching from a distance seeing the curtains never be opened. That day my husband took such good care of me, though....we in fact did keep the curtains closed all day and just took a break from life. That consisted of watching Friends episodes all day, talking, surviving on the snacks in our house and just being together in the chaos. It was kind of nice to "take a day off life."

Sleep is sometimes still hard, but one thing we have done to help me ease into sleep without too much thought has been to watch all 6 Star Wars before bed. It is quite fun to watch it with Sam and I find myself looking forward to it all day long. We take a few days to watch each one, I seem to fall asleep quite fast still when a movie is on. :) In the midst of all the change, emotion, transition and relational conflict there are just times that one has to be practical....looking forward to a movie each night helps. I can't tell you why but it does. And it has led Sam and I to some really good talks about good versus evil and mentors and trusting people. I found myself liking Star Wars so much more this time. There is something so real to life about it for me. Good and bad exists in all of us. While I have walked through forgiveness and getting myself choosing to love and not judge or condemn through this last two months, I can't say I haven't fought thoughts that I am not so proud of...but in the end it really is what you do with them that ultimately matters.

While I know that "the force" isn't real, for me I found so much I could relate to in Star Wars the last two weeks. I also pulled out a book that I read every year at Christmas, and one of the only things I kept when I sold all my other Christmas thing.

I couldn't sleep this morning around 4:30, so I picked up this book and re read it. I laughed quietly to myself as Sam slept soundly next to me at the parallels that were in Star Wars and the Christmas story told by Max Lucado. There really was something to this fight for good and evil. One thing I have continually done this week is try to keep a perspective that is on God. In times past that was a "nice phrase" I definitely believed, but never clung to as I do now. I am finding in all that has transpired in that last few months of our lives, when my perspective slips even for a moment I can downward spiral. So to read a book about God's love and grace and to be reminded about the power of good and love in a simple (albeit amazing) movie like Star Wars has been gentle reminders from the Lord for me.

His grace and peace have actually overwhelmed me this week as I have seen His reminders all over the place....in movies, in books, in my loving husband, in emails, in texts, in my in laws, phone calls from old friends here in NZ, and in a sweet friend who sent me Psalm after Psalm after Psalm she typed out for me. I cried as I read it, not only because it seem to be speaking directly to me, but also because like I said early I haven't really "wanted" to do much in this season. To pick up my Bible at times was very hard, but instead of condemning me or judging me I feel like God got his words of grace, love and mercy to me in many different ways this week.

I told a friend this week, "I wish I wasn't in this spot right now, but I am." And I guess that's okay for right now. Choice is a powerful thing and God has lavished us with the ability to choose so much....to choose Him, to choose His love, to choose our thoughts, to choose our reactions, to choose even our emotions....but the beauty of God....when we feel like we desperately want to choose a good attitude and heavenly perspective but feel like we just can't choose one more moment He swoops in with grace and mercy and supplies us with just enough grace to get through that day.

So in the end, my heart is full...full of so much this season, but mostly full of thanks for what I am being so poignantly reminded God has given me...grace, forgiveness, mercy....and unconditional love.