Our life, for me can be simplified down to one word: change. That tiny word can hold so much though. I had a few significant things happen this week beyond the new job and apartment hunting. I am really enjoy my new job and have loved the excitement and anticipation of looking for our own place, but something deeper and more meaningful broke through in the ordinary nature of this week.
Change is hidden inside a simple word with complex meaning: challenge. When you slip the middle out of that word you have the word change. In the midst of all our planned and unplanned changes I was reminded this week of the hope that resides in the word challenge. Challenge silently conveys contest, struggle, conquering, and the feeling that come with those. To conquer something is a high in my life that is unmatched by much else. Through a friend sending me an old acquaintance's blog that held an excerpt from her book coming out and another unexpected change for us I was brought to a new place. I saw the challenges and changes very clearly in our life but I missed one little, yet full of impact, word hidden in the midst...hope. I forgot that in challenge you get to experience the sweet fear that is anticipation of conquering a hard task. The butterflies that are the size of eagles in you but that give way to a rush that comes when you have achieved it. I forgot how much I loved watching fear turn to adrenaline to complete joy and feeling of utter ecstatsy.
"Learning to Swim" by Shauna Niequist captures my feeling of this lastest season, and it combined with new challenges catapulted me to a new place. I've placed Shauna's words below and added her link so you can read more of her work. For me in this moment her words in a book yet published inspired me, loved me, reminded me of God, spoke of friends who get you beyond years with very little
contact, and became a sigh in what looks to be a season that is steadily changing.
This communicates my heart, prayers and hopes.
Learning to Swim by Shauna Niequist
I learned about waves when I was little, swimming in Lake Michigan, in navy blue water under a clear sky, and the most important thing I learned was this: if you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water, and let it carry you, there’s nothing sweeter. And a couple decades later, that’s what I’m learning to be true about life, too. If you dig in and fight the change you’re facing, it will indeed smash you to bits. It will hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you.
This last season in my life has been characterized, more than anything else, by change. Hard, swirling, one-after-another changes, so many that I can’t quite regain my footing before the next one comes, very much like being tumbled by waves.
During that season, there were moments when I lost touch with the heart of God’s story, the part where life always comes from death. I love the life part, and I always try to skip over that pesky death part. You can’t do that, as much as I’ve tried.
I believe that God is making all things new. I believe that Christ overcame death and that that pattern is apparent all through life and history: life from death, water from a stone, redemption from failure, connection from alienation. I believe that suffering is a part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom. But in that difficult season, I failed to believe in the big, beautiful story of who God is and what He is doing in this world.
If I’m honest, I prayed the way you order breakfast from a short order cook: this is what I want. Period. This is what I want. Aren’t you getting this? I didn’t pray for God’s will to be done in my life, or, at any rate, I didn’t mean it. I prayed to be rescued, not redeemed. I prayed for it to get easier, not that I would be shaped in significant ways. I prayed for the waiting to be over, instead of trying to learn something about patience or anything else for that matter.
What I know now, though, is that change is one of God’s greatest gifts, and most useful tools. I’ve learned that change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we’ve become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I’ve learned that in many cases, change is not a function not life’s cruelty but instead a function of God’s graciousness.
If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your
knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and let God do his work in you.
http://web.me.com/sniequist/shaunaniequist.com/blog/Entries/2010/3/2_learning_to_swim.html
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
First of Many
Today I was quickly reminded that I was in NZ on SO many levels. It started with the chill that was in the air this morning as I went out for my shower and that stayed with me until 3PM!!!!! I forget the chill that goes deep in my bones here in NZ. I was SO reminded of it today, but quickly prayed for an apartment with heat and kept smiling.
I was secondly reminded when the clock struck 4:30, work was dropped, computers were turned off, chairs were pushed in, and bags were picked up and out the door we went. NZ culture is work hard at work and quit mid-job if you have to once time is up. It made me smile a bit and I thought that I could get really used to this!
Today was full of SO much information with the start of 2 jobs! I just finished up the Partyband job and am trying to get life stuff done before I watch Brothers & Sisters with my sister in law and mother in law. (which is SO entertaining since I pretty much married into the Brothers & Sisters family....)
Salvation Army was a great experience for me today and I learned about the history of the organization and of course, was so inspired by their action and care for society. I sat there amazed that this is where I get to work for at least 4 months. There is something that connects deeply with me and even in the spots that I have never really encouraged or had a chance to live out yet in life, but have had this part of my heart that burns with the action part of helping people in society that desperately need it.
The job is a lot of administration and a lot of customer service. There was a ton of information but it doesn't seem like it will be too stressful of a job. And I get to walk to the Post Office at one point during the day, through town....which just makes me smile! And then later in the evening I get to take the mail again. It was great working with a friend too and think that I will enjoy this job.
Thanks for being such a part of our journey here. It's been a journey that we have stumbled our way through some days and other days thoroughly enjoyed!
We also called on the apartment that we so badly wanted was actually sold (Both of them! There were two that were posted as of last night still but the realtor forgot to take it down....gutted!!!)
Pray that we find something in town and that will be as perfect as a fit as this place (fully furnished, in town, and warm -- okay that is an extra and I know it, but prayers can be asked :)
I was secondly reminded when the clock struck 4:30, work was dropped, computers were turned off, chairs were pushed in, and bags were picked up and out the door we went. NZ culture is work hard at work and quit mid-job if you have to once time is up. It made me smile a bit and I thought that I could get really used to this!
Today was full of SO much information with the start of 2 jobs! I just finished up the Partyband job and am trying to get life stuff done before I watch Brothers & Sisters with my sister in law and mother in law. (which is SO entertaining since I pretty much married into the Brothers & Sisters family....)
Salvation Army was a great experience for me today and I learned about the history of the organization and of course, was so inspired by their action and care for society. I sat there amazed that this is where I get to work for at least 4 months. There is something that connects deeply with me and even in the spots that I have never really encouraged or had a chance to live out yet in life, but have had this part of my heart that burns with the action part of helping people in society that desperately need it.
The job is a lot of administration and a lot of customer service. There was a ton of information but it doesn't seem like it will be too stressful of a job. And I get to walk to the Post Office at one point during the day, through town....which just makes me smile! And then later in the evening I get to take the mail again. It was great working with a friend too and think that I will enjoy this job.
Thanks for being such a part of our journey here. It's been a journey that we have stumbled our way through some days and other days thoroughly enjoyed!
We also called on the apartment that we so badly wanted was actually sold (Both of them! There were two that were posted as of last night still but the realtor forgot to take it down....gutted!!!)
Pray that we find something in town and that will be as perfect as a fit as this place (fully furnished, in town, and warm -- okay that is an extra and I know it, but prayers can be asked :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
New New New
NEW JOB
I got the job at Salvation Army Homecare!!!!!! I am working for the Homecare division which supplies care for elderly so that they can stay in their home. Things like housekeeping, meals, hair, baths, and things of that nature are organized for all the clients. I will be working in the office and helping with the administration and coordinating. I am working with a friend from Wednesday Wines like I said and I am very excited about the position. It is a 4 month contract, but could possibly turn to more, but no promises are made. They will let me know about 3/4 of the way through when the end date will be fore absolute certain so I can begin the job search again. Or who knows there might be a position within their organization. For now I will be working 8-4:30 every day and will be right in the smack dab middle of town! Right where we hoped to be and right next to the place we are hoping to rent....but we will see how that all works out. Thanks again for your prayers!!
AND
NEW HAIR
I have wanted to get my hair cut the last month or so and decided it was time. I was pretty excited to have the long hair gone and was hoping my hair lady would think the cut I wanted would work. She did an AMAZING job and even put blond highlights in the front really faint so that when the gray starts to come through it's a little more hidden....GREAT IDEA MOM! Thank you!!!
Thanks again for walking so faithful with us and watching the transformation and life we are leading. I am excited to see what God has for us and we are feeling more and more rested and ready to keep finding our place and what God has for us here.
Talk with you soon!!!
I got the job at Salvation Army Homecare!!!!!! I am working for the Homecare division which supplies care for elderly so that they can stay in their home. Things like housekeeping, meals, hair, baths, and things of that nature are organized for all the clients. I will be working in the office and helping with the administration and coordinating. I am working with a friend from Wednesday Wines like I said and I am very excited about the position. It is a 4 month contract, but could possibly turn to more, but no promises are made. They will let me know about 3/4 of the way through when the end date will be fore absolute certain so I can begin the job search again. Or who knows there might be a position within their organization. For now I will be working 8-4:30 every day and will be right in the smack dab middle of town! Right where we hoped to be and right next to the place we are hoping to rent....but we will see how that all works out. Thanks again for your prayers!!
AND
NEW HAIR
I have wanted to get my hair cut the last month or so and decided it was time. I was pretty excited to have the long hair gone and was hoping my hair lady would think the cut I wanted would work. She did an AMAZING job and even put blond highlights in the front really faint so that when the gray starts to come through it's a little more hidden....GREAT IDEA MOM! Thank you!!!
Thanks again for walking so faithful with us and watching the transformation and life we are leading. I am excited to see what God has for us and we are feeling more and more rested and ready to keep finding our place and what God has for us here.
Talk with you soon!!!
Wednesday Wines to Salvation Army
For those of you that followed my blog the last time I was in NZ you might remember my Wednesday Wines friends. It became the highlight of my week. Not for the wine, don't like wine, nor because it was at a fun place where I actually met my future brother in law, but I loved the rawness of these women I hung out with. They let me into this considerably younger circle of old high school friends.
Today one of those woman, I have yet to even catch up with here called about a 4 month job....at Salvation Army. What's special about that for me is I have looked at job openings there just last week emailed the director about volunteering there. Since college I always had this part of my heart that wanted to me more active helping my community but just never did it. Last week I decided to pursue volunteering & the life I wanted to live. So today came as a welcomed surprise!
I sent off my resume & will talk with them tomorrow or Friday because they need the position filled Monday. AND another friend wants me to do customer service 2 hours a day for his Party Band website, connecting bands with those that need them (such as wedding, school functions, dress up parties....that NZ seems to have far too often).
That job also starts Monday for a week trial, since they need someone for 2 months in the spring. Wow! 2 jobs in 20 minutes!!
Sam and I have talked tons about it & the 4 month nature of it, and are praying for wisdom & guidance. The arthritis job is a long shot, experience wise, and this job starts before applications close. I'm not worried or nervous, I know we will know what the right decsion is. The Salvation Army is where I'm leaning because of where I want to see myself & our family down the road, but the best well laid put plans don't always work....a verse that really could be my life mantra is "A man plans his steps but God determines his path.". Oh how many
memories that little truth conjures up for me. I've planned & planned so well...yet funnily enough end up right where I should be living out a designed purpose that I didn't plan.
All I can say to that is
THANK GOODNESS
God is GOOD
I'll keep you posted!!
Today one of those woman, I have yet to even catch up with here called about a 4 month job....at Salvation Army. What's special about that for me is I have looked at job openings there just last week emailed the director about volunteering there. Since college I always had this part of my heart that wanted to me more active helping my community but just never did it. Last week I decided to pursue volunteering & the life I wanted to live. So today came as a welcomed surprise!
I sent off my resume & will talk with them tomorrow or Friday because they need the position filled Monday. AND another friend wants me to do customer service 2 hours a day for his Party Band website, connecting bands with those that need them (such as wedding, school functions, dress up parties....that NZ seems to have far too often).
That job also starts Monday for a week trial, since they need someone for 2 months in the spring. Wow! 2 jobs in 20 minutes!!
Sam and I have talked tons about it & the 4 month nature of it, and are praying for wisdom & guidance. The arthritis job is a long shot, experience wise, and this job starts before applications close. I'm not worried or nervous, I know we will know what the right decsion is. The Salvation Army is where I'm leaning because of where I want to see myself & our family down the road, but the best well laid put plans don't always work....a verse that really could be my life mantra is "A man plans his steps but God determines his path.". Oh how many
memories that little truth conjures up for me. I've planned & planned so well...yet funnily enough end up right where I should be living out a designed purpose that I didn't plan.
All I can say to that is
THANK GOODNESS
God is GOOD
I'll keep you posted!!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Yikes It's March!!
Wow it's been a week since I've blogged. Not from lack of content but lack of Internet time. So here are a few highlights & some thoughts.
Job news: I have two applications that haven't been denied. One is a 6 month temp office job & the other is for a fundraiser position with the Arthritis NZ. The applications for the fundraiser close next Tuesday & a short list will be immediately created & interviews begin & end by next Friday. This job looks hard but challenging & more up my alley than pure admin. I am ready for a job & am choosing my hope to be in God's timing & trusting Him to help me as I wait.
Now for Sam!! He has his portfolio ready to be looked at by Mike (his photographer friend already in the industry) and will submit it as soon as that meeting happens. Here's a little explanation about what he's doing. He wants to work for a stock photo agency. A stock photo agency has a website & advertisers go there to choose pictures for their marketing and/or ad campaings. One day he hopes to be in international websites such as Getty. For now he has to start at places such as NZ Stock Photo. The reason he wants to go this direction is it plays to his strengths as a photographer. He can choose the models, choose a theme to capture, plan a shoot & then place the pictures on the site(s). Sam is very gifted at capturing a story, pulling out emotion, and finding a moment. All the while keeping composition good. That is why mike has opened doors for him.
He has been fixing cars for a bit, but it wasn't panning out so he has stopped that for now. I think he made a wise decision and then today he received a call to work with a guy on his business brochure. For me I sensed God's confirmation in that moment of Sam's wisdom & courage to keep moving what his God given talents are.
Today as I was running I was challenged again to live fully who God created me to be & be confident in His calling. To do that takes courage & while I feel like I lost my footing for a bit, there is something new happening in me. Yes, I'm changing like I said last week, but my friend Eve reminded me of an important Truth this week: I did the best with what I had. Don't be too upset.
True. Made me reflect all week & today as I ran I began to feel confident in the things I know & have done. There was a part of me in my 20's I looked back on and loathed. But reality is the things that made me move & chase what I thought God to be saying is a good part of me. Sure there was hurt & hard circumstances along the way. I like the life I led & the parts of me people pointed out negatively are the very parts of me that moved me to live the life I believe I was designed to live. What can I learn? Oh so much, but that's the journey right? I left parts of me in the shadows & was content because then maybe no more pain would come. Um...reality check. Pain is just part of life! I'm idealistic enough to hate that!! But truth is truth whether I choose to believe it, isn't it?
I don't know all that God has for me in NZ, but I do know this He has something. I some how knew I end up back in NZ married one day. I don't know how or why, and I'm not going to try & figure it out. So as I'm here there is some part of His heart I get to be apart of coomunicating to others. That is what excites me now. I still have my moments, don't we all? Where the temptation to doubt or question or just grumble & complain out loud or my personal favorite I seem to do more times than not, silently in my head! Yikes to recesses of a woman's mind can be scary. But they don't have to be. Here's what I know for sure this week:
My mind is a massive place where the quality of my life is determined.
God's good. Gooder than I think.
God's active today in our lives.
I'm me....messy, dramatic, stubborn, loud (oh man to be an American in a quiet culture!!!) and accepted & loved by God inspite of all my "short comings" I've deemed myself to have.
I have some new pictures to show you but it will have to wait for next time. I'm on my phone right now & can't upload pictures from there.
Talk to you again soon!!!
Job news: I have two applications that haven't been denied. One is a 6 month temp office job & the other is for a fundraiser position with the Arthritis NZ. The applications for the fundraiser close next Tuesday & a short list will be immediately created & interviews begin & end by next Friday. This job looks hard but challenging & more up my alley than pure admin. I am ready for a job & am choosing my hope to be in God's timing & trusting Him to help me as I wait.
Now for Sam!! He has his portfolio ready to be looked at by Mike (his photographer friend already in the industry) and will submit it as soon as that meeting happens. Here's a little explanation about what he's doing. He wants to work for a stock photo agency. A stock photo agency has a website & advertisers go there to choose pictures for their marketing and/or ad campaings. One day he hopes to be in international websites such as Getty. For now he has to start at places such as NZ Stock Photo. The reason he wants to go this direction is it plays to his strengths as a photographer. He can choose the models, choose a theme to capture, plan a shoot & then place the pictures on the site(s). Sam is very gifted at capturing a story, pulling out emotion, and finding a moment. All the while keeping composition good. That is why mike has opened doors for him.
He has been fixing cars for a bit, but it wasn't panning out so he has stopped that for now. I think he made a wise decision and then today he received a call to work with a guy on his business brochure. For me I sensed God's confirmation in that moment of Sam's wisdom & courage to keep moving what his God given talents are.
Today as I was running I was challenged again to live fully who God created me to be & be confident in His calling. To do that takes courage & while I feel like I lost my footing for a bit, there is something new happening in me. Yes, I'm changing like I said last week, but my friend Eve reminded me of an important Truth this week: I did the best with what I had. Don't be too upset.
True. Made me reflect all week & today as I ran I began to feel confident in the things I know & have done. There was a part of me in my 20's I looked back on and loathed. But reality is the things that made me move & chase what I thought God to be saying is a good part of me. Sure there was hurt & hard circumstances along the way. I like the life I led & the parts of me people pointed out negatively are the very parts of me that moved me to live the life I believe I was designed to live. What can I learn? Oh so much, but that's the journey right? I left parts of me in the shadows & was content because then maybe no more pain would come. Um...reality check. Pain is just part of life! I'm idealistic enough to hate that!! But truth is truth whether I choose to believe it, isn't it?
I don't know all that God has for me in NZ, but I do know this He has something. I some how knew I end up back in NZ married one day. I don't know how or why, and I'm not going to try & figure it out. So as I'm here there is some part of His heart I get to be apart of coomunicating to others. That is what excites me now. I still have my moments, don't we all? Where the temptation to doubt or question or just grumble & complain out loud or my personal favorite I seem to do more times than not, silently in my head! Yikes to recesses of a woman's mind can be scary. But they don't have to be. Here's what I know for sure this week:
My mind is a massive place where the quality of my life is determined.
God's good. Gooder than I think.
God's active today in our lives.
I'm me....messy, dramatic, stubborn, loud (oh man to be an American in a quiet culture!!!) and accepted & loved by God inspite of all my "short comings" I've deemed myself to have.
I have some new pictures to show you but it will have to wait for next time. I'm on my phone right now & can't upload pictures from there.
Talk to you again soon!!!
Monday, February 22, 2010
God is "gooder" Than You Think..Change The Way You Think
I started running again last week. I think my legs were a bit mad at me, but I persevered. For me running is a way to combat emotion. I know this to be true of myself, yet I just started running again. I have been listening to a podcast in Redding most mornings from Bethel. There is something I have heard the pastor and others say for a few years now, but in these life moments it is truth that I need: God is gooder than you think so change the way you think.
Life has moments and cycles and it sometimes moves from struggle to struggle then to success. I have allowed my mind to go places that my body just could no longer afford it going. The stress I felt internally was mounting no matter what I seemed to pray...maybe because I was begging to get the things I so desperately thought I needed instead of listening to God through scripture and quiet moments. Maybe because life is just stressful right now. Maybe because God is healing parts of me that need it. Who knows, but I allowed it to spin far too out of control.
Two weeks ago I said good bye to Sam and after he left tears just streamed down my face. What would I do today? When will it feel easier to breathe and wake up? When will life not seem so hard? I knew they were tears and life goes on in tears, so I laced up my shoes grabbed my ipod and just ran. The tears only lasted about a minute and I began to feel it--HOPE. For some reason between the endorphins coursing through my body, the words of truth being spoken to in my ears and the Holy Spirit comfort I began to see beyond my circumstances.
HOPE.
I need it and more than that I want to be someone that radiates it and lives it and passes it on. Funnily enough, I need to be connected to the Hope Giver...Jesus. This has been a week or two of allowing God and Jesus to speak to me, to show me things, to embrace me and to not run from the pain of loneliness and unknown and to remember it's just life, full of ups and downs.
I learned some important lessons in these last few months I thought I would share. For me sharing in the blog has been part of my healing and part of my process to feel expressive in this time. May God use these broken moments and life lessons to touch the part in you that needs God's touch. My mom sent me O magazine this month (WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY!!! THANKS MOM!!!) and one page I love in that magazine is "Things I Know For Sure."
Here are my "Things I Know For Sure" today:
God is good.
God loves each person with a fierce love.
God is active in my life.
I am God's child.
I am staring at another one of God's children each time I look in the face of another...even those that I have been hurt by.
Whether I live it or not He has gifted me and longs for me to live out who He created me to be.
God wants to bring healing in our lives.
God is bringing healing in my life.
God is good.
I need to change the way I think.
I have a hope.
God heals people.
God is not angry.
God is loving.
I am where I am and that is good enough for God.
I struggle.
I am loved.
I am accepted.
I am being changed because God is good.
There have been moments in the last few weeks that have terrified me. I am changing in this experience. I am discovering how I have lived my life for years. I have lived people pleasing and constantly plagued in my mind with "shoulds." What should I do? What do they think I should do? The guilt became massive and the pleasing became impossible this last year. The more I tried to please the more things seemed to unravel. Somethings are meant to unravel. This evidently was one that I liked keeping nice and tidy, but God loved me more than that and began to pull at the thread. As it unraveled I tried everything in my power to sew it back up...only to arrive in NZ and see what seemed like the last piece unravel.
Four months into this experience I am starting to embrace the moment. And you know what? It's good. Is it painful? At times still yes. But heck it was painful before and now at least the pain is part of healing instead of just sitting in me. I am becoming a Dana I have never seen before and some days, like I said earlier, that is scary. I have tasted God's goodness and God's freedom and I want it. 3 steps forward 2 back some days, but that means each day I am still taking ONE STEP towards growth and God and who He created me to be. That is HUGE! It's rocky at times, and at times trying out these new feet of mine I still hurt people, but I am growing and I am genuine....not sorry to get them to stop being upset with me, genuinely sorry I hurt them. But that's the end...no more beating myself up and living upset and taking on other people's responsibility. I am going to make mistakes. I have made mistakes. Truth. No way around it. I am learning to be me. I think I just might like me. I have never allowed myself to really like her before. I masked it well, even to myself at times, but now I want to just be me.
I am grieving and healing and resting. I am taking time to do these things and believing God to show up each day....I just need to look beyond my circumstance. It happens in emails (thanks Annette!), in butterflies, in runs, in pod casts, in sweet moments that others don't even see, but He does show up. God is good.
Thanks for praying with us. Thanks for listening to my process. I am still searching for a job and not sure what's next. Thanks for praying about that with us, too! God is still good even when circumstances aren't....and perspective is in the eye of the beholder I am realizing. God's provision has been real and consistent in my life, this season is no different. He provides and He loves and for that I am thankful. Simply thankful. God is gooder than I think, I changed the way I thought.
Life has moments and cycles and it sometimes moves from struggle to struggle then to success. I have allowed my mind to go places that my body just could no longer afford it going. The stress I felt internally was mounting no matter what I seemed to pray...maybe because I was begging to get the things I so desperately thought I needed instead of listening to God through scripture and quiet moments. Maybe because life is just stressful right now. Maybe because God is healing parts of me that need it. Who knows, but I allowed it to spin far too out of control.
Two weeks ago I said good bye to Sam and after he left tears just streamed down my face. What would I do today? When will it feel easier to breathe and wake up? When will life not seem so hard? I knew they were tears and life goes on in tears, so I laced up my shoes grabbed my ipod and just ran. The tears only lasted about a minute and I began to feel it--HOPE. For some reason between the endorphins coursing through my body, the words of truth being spoken to in my ears and the Holy Spirit comfort I began to see beyond my circumstances.
HOPE.
I need it and more than that I want to be someone that radiates it and lives it and passes it on. Funnily enough, I need to be connected to the Hope Giver...Jesus. This has been a week or two of allowing God and Jesus to speak to me, to show me things, to embrace me and to not run from the pain of loneliness and unknown and to remember it's just life, full of ups and downs.
I learned some important lessons in these last few months I thought I would share. For me sharing in the blog has been part of my healing and part of my process to feel expressive in this time. May God use these broken moments and life lessons to touch the part in you that needs God's touch. My mom sent me O magazine this month (WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY!!! THANKS MOM!!!) and one page I love in that magazine is "Things I Know For Sure."
Here are my "Things I Know For Sure" today:
God is good.
God loves each person with a fierce love.
God is active in my life.
I am God's child.
I am staring at another one of God's children each time I look in the face of another...even those that I have been hurt by.
Whether I live it or not He has gifted me and longs for me to live out who He created me to be.
God wants to bring healing in our lives.
God is bringing healing in my life.
God is good.
I need to change the way I think.
I have a hope.
God heals people.
God is not angry.
God is loving.
I am where I am and that is good enough for God.
I struggle.
I am loved.
I am accepted.
I am being changed because God is good.
There have been moments in the last few weeks that have terrified me. I am changing in this experience. I am discovering how I have lived my life for years. I have lived people pleasing and constantly plagued in my mind with "shoulds." What should I do? What do they think I should do? The guilt became massive and the pleasing became impossible this last year. The more I tried to please the more things seemed to unravel. Somethings are meant to unravel. This evidently was one that I liked keeping nice and tidy, but God loved me more than that and began to pull at the thread. As it unraveled I tried everything in my power to sew it back up...only to arrive in NZ and see what seemed like the last piece unravel.
Four months into this experience I am starting to embrace the moment. And you know what? It's good. Is it painful? At times still yes. But heck it was painful before and now at least the pain is part of healing instead of just sitting in me. I am becoming a Dana I have never seen before and some days, like I said earlier, that is scary. I have tasted God's goodness and God's freedom and I want it. 3 steps forward 2 back some days, but that means each day I am still taking ONE STEP towards growth and God and who He created me to be. That is HUGE! It's rocky at times, and at times trying out these new feet of mine I still hurt people, but I am growing and I am genuine....not sorry to get them to stop being upset with me, genuinely sorry I hurt them. But that's the end...no more beating myself up and living upset and taking on other people's responsibility. I am going to make mistakes. I have made mistakes. Truth. No way around it. I am learning to be me. I think I just might like me. I have never allowed myself to really like her before. I masked it well, even to myself at times, but now I want to just be me.
I am grieving and healing and resting. I am taking time to do these things and believing God to show up each day....I just need to look beyond my circumstance. It happens in emails (thanks Annette!), in butterflies, in runs, in pod casts, in sweet moments that others don't even see, but He does show up. God is good.
Thanks for praying with us. Thanks for listening to my process. I am still searching for a job and not sure what's next. Thanks for praying about that with us, too! God is still good even when circumstances aren't....and perspective is in the eye of the beholder I am realizing. God's provision has been real and consistent in my life, this season is no different. He provides and He loves and for that I am thankful. Simply thankful. God is gooder than I think, I changed the way I thought.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Bug Growth
So up until last night each time that I saw a bug....which is quite often! I scream and ask Sam to kill it or get it out of my house. I am not sure what happened to me because before I was married I killed bugs all the time. I am not sure if it is the size of bugs here, the amount that are in my house or the new ones that I am not used to or maybe the reality of how wimpy I really am!
Last night though I think I saw the beginning signs of growth....this was in my house as I walked in...where I keep our dishes!!!
Sam was gone and I decided that I was going to be brave and stop being wimpy. I killed it by myself! Not without a few "eeewww's" along the way.
So gross. But growth nonetheless....
Last night though I think I saw the beginning signs of growth....this was in my house as I walked in...where I keep our dishes!!!
Sam was gone and I decided that I was going to be brave and stop being wimpy. I killed it by myself! Not without a few "eeewww's" along the way.
So gross. But growth nonetheless....
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