A Little Goes Along Way

Today I sipped a cup of tea with a good friend. She invited me around a few weeks ago, and I simply forgot how a good chat with a girl friend can sometimes go along way. We laughed and reminisced about my life here a year ago. She smiled with joy as she talked about me getting married. She cried with me as I shared some of my journey with her and she just let me process my transition. I forget how a small cup of tea, a short amount of time and a little vanilla bean noel can give you hope and help you smile again.



I absolutely LOVE when it is time to break out the Vanilla Bean Noel lotion. I look forward to it all year! It is crazy how a small, soft scent can send you into an entirely delightful mood, full of memories and good times of the Holidays. Typically I don't let myself break it out until the day after Thanksgiving, but since Thanksgiving is a bit different this year, and I needed an extra smile in my week I thought it was fitting to start the "Holiday Festivities" aka Bath & Body lotion that signify the beginning of The Holiday Season for me.

Thank you for your prayers and emails as I transition in life here. Sam has been so wonderful and has been working so hard for us, and yet still finds time to shower me with love and make me feel cherished. We leave for the wedding next Wednesday, but more importantly this week...I am planning our FUN family Thanksgiving!!! I looked up a ton of recipes and table decorations on line yesterday. Hehehehe, even found a fun Thanksgiving Trivia Game--that my family might just be playing come Saturday!

Until next time!!!

Weathered Lawn Chairs

Last night was another long night once again. I am not sure exactly what it is, but to process life in the middle of the night has become a weekly thing. I woke up last night and tried my hardest to pretend like I wasn't awake. Try as I might, I was completely unsuccessful. Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week and lately they have become the day I seem to dread. There are many complicated and layered reasons, but part of it is facing the pain each week of what we walked into.

This time around the blog is raw and honest and really a place for you to see God be glorified and good. I will admit that this will happen simply because God is good and He is worthy to be glorified. I don't quite understand the process the last few months have seemed to have me in, but I know this that God is with me. I can recall all those verses I memorized as a kid and all those quiet moments that God and I have seemed to have over the years. He is called Immanuel--God With Us. Simple and true. I can look at my circumstances and I can freak out about the pain in my life, but at the end of the day it is still true. There are many details left unsaid, and I am well aware of that as I process about life here. The reality is that pain and hurt is something we all face and while what I am currently trying to process is my own, I am convinced that if you stick with these writings on the journey you will see God along the way. I won't always be poetic or "godly," but I will be honest. And in His children lies His heart and His spirit.

As I cried and thought about how to move forward as I let go of certain things here in NZ, I was reminded of my Mother in Law's beautiful beach chairs that sit outside our little house.

Most mornings it is the place Sam and I eat breakfast and connect before our day begins. They are a bit weathered, but not on purpose. They are peeling a bit, but again not on purpose. She received these fun chairs for her birthday and shortly thereafter they began to bubble and peel. Within a few weeks a call came from the company that produced them, saying that the chairs were being recalled because the undercoat was not put on which will cause peeling and cracking. They also informed her that she needn't send the chairs back, they would just give her a full refund and she can keep the chairs. Pretty cool.

When I first saw the chairs I thought they were gorgeous. I assumed they were supposed to be "weathered/beachy" type chairs. They still work fine and we love sitting in them each day, but they don't look like they were "supposed to" look like. While processing life last night I was listening to a Rita Springer song in which she sang, "all the pain is going to be worth it." I just believe that. It isn't really even a choice, I just know that God has always used pain in people's life to minister to others and at the same time to minister His love and grace and mercy to your own heart. While I wanted the perfect looking uncracked beach chair sort of life and heart, I think that God saw beauty and purpose in the weathered cool looking beach chair heart and life for me. While the manufacture made a mistake with those chairs, weather and ware and tare has turned them into a unique summer accessory. If life can happen like that and something bad can turn into something wonderful, why would I believe a God, who is for me and loves me, would be any different? He actually is in the "business" of taking impossible things and situations and turning them to miracles and hope. I never get tired of watching Him do that very thing.

Some of this process is just normal transition, with a little added hurt and heart ache. In actuality, I just can't see His plan in this current moment. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I am not sure why certain questions and thoughts can turn my dry eyes wet. And while I am working on not allowing my emotions to control me and remembering truths of God I am still in process. I don't have it all figured it out and I am not as "far down the road" as I would hope to be. But there is that four letter little word....hope. It's a word full of so much promise, danger, fear, risk, and excitement. In just 4 little letters is this incredible invitation to hope for something more, to hope that the pain will not just cease but that I will see God in a new way, that purpose will be not only offered but found. It's risky, that's for sure. Disappointment looms and lurks around, but hope never fails. It can quite often feel like it is failing while you wait for a time in life to end or begin, or you wait for pain to end, or while you wait for fear to subside, but in the end the journey of hope is what leads me straight to the heart of God. Even when I try to not hope, it's sneaky little self creeps into my heart. I think God wired His humanity to hope, and at the same time life can batter and beat our space to hope that exists in our hearts and minds. I don't quite get it, but I know that I won't waste this time and I won't stop hoping. I might (and have already) take a time out and just cry and rest along the way, but even in that I think, for myself, it is still an attribute of hoping....hoping that God is listening, hoping that He cares and hoping that He will continue to lead me into the life He has for me.

As hard as some moments have been, they have coexisted with INCREDIBLE joy. I hope that you can see that in these writings. I think that the coexistence of emotion and life circumstances is something that God is gently ingraining into my character and heart. This season is orchestrated for me by a loving God. I might not always like it or always get it, but I do want what He has for me....because...He is always good.

Family Pictures

As we were eating breakfast in our pj's yesterday morning, Nana and Sam's mom and sister wandered out by the pool with us and we were just sitting around enjoying the warm morning. We started to talk about when we would get to see Gracie. She is down at school and I haven't got to meet her yet. Looks like it won't be until January when she is coming up here again.

Two seconds later a car pulled up and I saw Tom (& I have to admit I wondered what the heck he was doing up so early...) and in walks Gracie into the backyard!!!! She had a friend's birthday up here, so her and some friends drove up late Friday night and she surprised us on Saturday morning and spent the day with us. It was so fun and made me smile from ear to ear! I think my mother in law was in Mom Heaven. Every kid was home and Nana (her mom) was here too! Sam joked it was her early Christmas. We had a big breakfast and just hung out all day. I love having little sisters and brothers. I have SO loved spending time with Rosie. She is my new movie buddy and just "do everything" together friend. We watched a movie in our house last Friday night and we have instituted Sunday nights as popcorn/family night. So meeting Grace was such an extra treat! James makes me laugh all the time and I think that he and my mom would get on great together (most every night James has a bowl of ice cream:) And I love being around Tom again. We have a fun family and while I just slipped in, I think it's going quite well.

Even though I am far away and have teary moments of missing home and america and friends, I really do have a great family here. It's different and some days I am still sad as I transition but I think God and Sam are taking care of me quite nicely. Here are some great family pictures:


Sam's Dad, Tom, Gracie, Mom, Sam and me, Rosie & James


Gracie took this one so Nana could be in it...though Nana was mad she wasn't smiling, but she is Sam's favorite person in the world so she needed to be on the blog.


All the kids...everyone else complained about taking this picture, but I LOVED it. Tom said, "mom we did this a year ago" to which I replied, yes but I wasn't here yet :) They also teased me at how I looked the happiest in the picture...I guess I am the happiest this year. Pretty lucky what I just fell into...though I think God knew exactly what he was doing.

I love my new family, miss my family terribly and think that's just normal and a part of life. I am so lucky to have 2 loving families.

The Thanksgiving in NZ preparations begin this week! I will keep you updated....We are doing it Saturday, since Sam and I will be out of town. I am bit a nervous, but Nana put me at ease after she said me and Rosie wrecked something earlier in the day, saying, "Well, Dana, it's a good thing you aren't too sensitive or you would run out crying because we are all so opinionated." Little does Nana know I am a bit sensitive and quite nervous here....but have the BEST HUSBAND in the world who takes great care of me!

Bee Stings--YUCK!!!

So the other day I was sitting out by the pool while Sam worked on some business stuff. I had a rough Sunday and Monday so was taking a few moments to process life. Some of it is looking for a new church and dealing with the stuff in my own heart with some people here in NZ. I was finally able to get quiet and really just talk to God and process some of the things in my heart and mind. Some of that came at 3 in the morning and lasted until the alarm went off at 7:15 the night before! I think in the midst of all the change and transition the last couple of months my heart has just survived. When I am awake and going about my day my logical side kicks in knowing this whole journey is an adventure: the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. But at night, when my senses are down and I am truly quiet, my heart begins to feel what I haven't allowed it to. Sometimes that is a good thing. This week I think it was. I wasn't stressed or upset, I was just grieving. I am not exactly sure what I was grieving but an hour or so into being awake and feeling such a heaviness in my heart I realized the emotion was grief. I finally surrendered to the pain and allowed God to meet me in it. He was there the whole time and is with me now. It wasn't fun, necessarily, but it was good and healthy for me and quite special. There was much I need to grieve after Sunday morning, but much I didn't want to admit to needing to grieve. It's going to be different than I thought it would look like when we first decided to move back. But it's just that Different, not Bad.

While I sat there processing all this with God I actually saw how good God was and how choosing to trust Him and that He works everything together for His good brought peace and freedom to me. Ironically as I wrote that prayer to God telling Him that I trust him a bee started buzzing around me. They are everywhere here, along with plenty of wasps as well! I stayed still, but then I felt this awful pain in my arm. YEP! I had been stung!! I called for Sam and as he came out I was pulling out the stinger out of reaction. (evidently you are supposed to flick it out, but I had no idea and it just hurt!) Sam put ice on it right away and it felt better. I showed my mother in law later and she thought it was fine, but then the next morning it turned out not so fine...it was very red and very big and VERY VERY itchy. I guess it is supposed to itch but man it stunk!!

So now it is still red and still itchy, but I have started taking something his mom gave me and putting cream on it. His mom was a little concerned it got worse, and Sam was ready to use free health care now that we are back :) But I think we might wait a bit and see how it turns out. For now....here is what it looks like.



It doesn't look nearly as big as it really is...but trust me it is big and red and ITCHY!!!

A Walk Up The Quarry

We live on Quarry Rd....which I came to find out has a beautiful walk at the end of the road--the Quarry. It isn't just a street name but a walk with so many cool things to look at, a little bit of hiking, beautiful flowers, and a great view at the top. Sam and I headed up there on Friday to get some time out doors and together. Sam said I should wear running shoes...I thought it was a little path type walk, but I did it anyway....cute, I know!


Here is the view on the way there!


And we are off...





Lakey check these frogs out!







Look I made friends! hehehehe

View from the top...can you see the Mount?


It was such a surreal and sobering moment as we got to the top and I could see the Mount. A year and a half ago I had so many talks with God, processing times, healing times and special times going up the Mount...even talking to God about what my dreams were and where I was heading next. 13 months after leaving New Zealand I am now standing on the top of another hill/mount with my husband overlooking the Mount. It was a spiritual experience for me and felt like a tangible moment with God. Life is new and different and He has placed me in a new place, with a new view, and with new people. Not at all what I expected or ever once dreamed of when I was walking up the Mount all those times, yet better than I could imagine. It was a gentle reminder of allowing God to move and shape your life. He is so gracious and gives us choices, but as I saw something beautiful as I stepped into what he had for me, in fact while running around the Mount one day last year I felt this quiet impression and invitation by Him to allow Him to love me the way He intended. In fear and tears I said yes...6 months later I met Sam and my life forever changed.

Funny how as we move into the things God invites you too they are rarely predictable and not often free of hardship, but always full of His Goodness...

And yes there are still sheep everywhere!!!!


Good bye for now!

The Vending Machine Likeness of God

Yesterday Sam and I were enjoying my most favorite part of the day...Morning! We have a sweet little routine right now that makes me smile to just think about. We wake up in our little cabana and put the hot water on and have our breakfast out by the pool or inside, if it's raining :( like it was this morning. The other most favorite thing about this time is that we have been making lists...oh how I delight in lists. Just to organize all the fear in my head or things that need to be done or accomplished just feels good. In fact I went to the store with Sam and his friend Andy the other day to get a cute little notebook to write down all of our lists...and while in there I also made a friend.

I will digress, just for a moment because I am sure that this story will make a couple of you laugh. I had asked Sam to take me to get me a journal one day. Him and his friend Andy were riding motor bikes all day and then came in and took me to the little book store in town. I was instantly in heaven. I don't know what it is about book stores and the organization/journal sections and the card sections and well, just everything about book stores I just love. I was lost in the organization section where the notebooks were after wandering from the journal section while Sam and Andy were completely absorbed in the car racing magazines. As I smiled happily the clerk came by and asked if I needed help. And in typical Dana fashion I found myself chatting with him, oversharing....some how I was telling him I had just got married and am now living in NZ. The funny part of that story....well, you see it started because when he asked if I needed help I replied with, "No I just love this section and all the different things to organize." He smiled and walked away but on his way past me again he said, "You must be a Poly." To this I thought he was thinking I was a "poly tech" student (which is similar to college or trade schools in the States) So I of course replied, "No I am not at Poly I actually just recently married a Kiwi and moved her last Wednesday." It was my turn to stop him in his tracks with confusion...he chuckled and explained that "Poly" was off of their commercials. Evidently they have a "Molly" who is disorganized and a "Poly" who loves to be organized. I laughed at myself and smiled at the friendly old clerk thinking, "oh man I am in a brand new place, but it is still the same old Dana."

Back to the most favorite part of my days...after we eat breakfast together, we tend to map out our days and what needs to get done, as well as make any lists of what we need to do for our business or visa/immigration or just plain life. Yesterday I had said to Sam that we should pray and ask God to provide us a car. Then we actually forgot to pray about that...

Well, that afternoon a friend text him and offered us a car. Later that night when Sam told me I was struck by how God does know what we need even before we do. And for me, it is always such a sweet reminder to see God at work in our lives. I won't at all pretend to understand God and his ways. I think that is the beauty and frustration of following and loving God. He is so loving but never predictable. It is easy to see him as a vending machine or a sweet old clerk that is always there to serve you and meet your every whim or need, but in reality He is a loving God that sees beyond the current moment. To see God as a vending machine makes so much sense to me. We often times ask God for things that we need or even want and we see it provided. There is something so genuine and raw about that deduction. It's the times when you ask and don't see God's hand move the way you thought that become so scary and shake you at your core. I have been guilty in this last year of being that obnoxious person at the vending machine that put her "money" in and didn't get the candy she wanted and then proceeded to shake the "machine" and yell it and kick. One thinks that will make the "machine" just spit out what you want, or at the very least it will make you feel better. Neither is true, with a machine or in my experience with God. The more I screamed and kicked and yelled the less life happened. But that didn't seem to stop me...

At the end of the day I am so thankful that God isn't a vending machine. I see that in a pure way we are easily led there, but today there was such a thankful spirit I had about the last year. A simple thing like having a car offered was nice, but to me it was God reminding me that while He is not a vending machine that I can kick into giving me what I want, He is a loving Father that loves to lavish and surprise us. But it is His to choose how and when, and most likely when the "candy" doesn't come out there is a very good reason...

Not Weird Just Different

When you spend time in another culture there are so many different things or things done in different ways. This weekend I had to laugh at one of the funniest difference I have ever seen. We spent Friday night at the Gala...it was so fun for me and Sam endured it because he loves me so much :) Like any good kid/family event they had junk food, games,fireworks, hot chocolate and a chance for kids to get candy...but this was not simple "break the pinata" style candy gathering like in the states. It was like a pinata on steroids...I kid you not!

All of a sudden a helicopter was flying over the field where the carnival was and kids started running...then out of the sky started falling hundreds of pieces of candy. It was a swarm of children (And adults! Including my mother in law!!) racing around trying not to get hit on the head, yet getting as many pieces of candy as they could. I was laughing so hard at the scene I didn't get one piece of candy. Sam was covering my head so I wouldn't get hit but could see the chaos all around me. It was probably the craziest thing I had ever seen, but it's not weird just different. That is a phrase I always remind myself in new cultures. It's so easy to make fun of something or say a slight dig by saying "that is SO weird" but it tends to set people on the defensive. I have been quickly reminded of that, being thrust back into a semi new culture. Some stories, though, are just SO worth describing the "different." I mean, really, candy from a helicopter?!?!?! Who would have thought.

There are other differences that are a bit harder for me at times. I am kind of crazy about what I eat and how I eat. I have learned to hide it well so no one makes a big deal about it, plus I have grown so much in that area over the past few years. One thing I wasn't ready for was that area being so exposed right when we got here. My in laws are SO wonderful and like every good mom, my mother in law loves to show her love through food...well with a weird food daughter in law that doesn't always work out. Sam is great at making sure I feel safe and not pressured, but after trying to figure out why I was feeling so crazy inside I think I just realized that for me food/weight is such a bigger deeper issue for me. I spent much of the last years of my life understanding what healthy is and facing some big food related issues. To sit down at a meal, especially in a season where everything feels a bit new and out of my control, can be very scary. I know I am crazy and I know I have tons to still walk through and conquer, but I wasn't ready to be "exposed" so to speak in this area. It made me miss my mom tons on Saturday night. She has got so used to how I eat and how I will find something and make it work, and she just settled into the fact that I might have something different on my plate, but she won't make a big deal about it and better yet she will show me love another way. My poor mother in law is still getting used to that. We sat down Saturday night to get dinner, and even though Sam told her not to make a big deal, her loving mother heart said "I hate not mothering you and taking care of you with food. Does you mom feel like that?" I smiled and said, "Well, my mom is used to my craziness."

It's funny when you are thrust into a new culture you don't want to feel too different or weird, yet there is that real part of me that is SO okay with that. I love being out in town and talking different with my American accent than everyone else. I love watching someone notice I am "not from around here." I even loved that when my mother in law and sister in law and I were in town on Saturday that everyone time my mother in law introduced me she had a huge smile on her face and made sure to tell everyone I was her new daughter in law...the proceeded to ask them "isn't she so beautiful." I just smiled and laughed. I guess when things are new you see your insecurities, at least I do.

As Sam and I went to the Mount to get a coffee and walk around the Mount yesterday I felt myself getting nervous to bump into people. Which for me is VERY ODD. I live for the "I ran into so and so" moment. One of the worst parts of moving to a new place is that you don't bump into people you know in town. So the fact that I had lived so long in NZ and had made some great relationships meant that I just might bump into people. There has been some turmoil in NZ that has caused me some insecurity and really just left me not sure how life was going to be with certain friend groups. Of course, each time we have gone out, including the Gala, we have seen people we know. I have done better than I thought, and not been as awkward as I guessed I would be.

Even for me, this experience back to New Zealand is not weird that there is so much difference in who I am now and what might lie ahead, its just different. I keep reminding myself that. And you know what? I actually like it. I like the slow pace of just being with Sam and our family. I like that I catch up with people if I can and if I want to. I like the freedom that seems to be different for me here. I am a slower person in New Zealand. To the average Kiwi I am probably still a bit "fast paced," but it really is a slower Dana. A Dana that can take life as it comes.

The transition is just that a transition. I will learn to live and even eat in a new culture. I will be sad that I can't pick up the phone and call anyone I want, but I will embrace this new season and all it has. As I ate breakfast this morning I was telling Sam, there are scary things here, and things that overwhelm me and even make me feel trapped, but I am okay. I am settling in and am able to recognize that while there are feelings of being trapped or overwhelmed, that is all they are simply feelings. Not weird, just different.